Hey guys! I know I am terrible at this updating the webpage thing, but oh well...what can I say, I've been busy working, studying, drinking at the Queensberry...you know, the usual! Well, I've got two weeks of Uni left and then I am FREEEE! I'm supposed to be at Uni at the moment, but oh well...I've been good all semester, so I'm allowed to skip a class or several now, right?

So it's nearly my birthday, and instead of having a party of my own, I'm just crashing Belle's Halloween shindig. Hoorah! Then, since I've guilted Justin so much about missing my birthday (his office is shifting, he'll be working the whole weekend) he is now whisking me away to Phillip Island to see some penguins ("Oh I see what's going on he-ere, penguin!") We all win! YAY!

Everyone who went to Damascus should definitely head to their website (www.damascus.vic.edu.au) and update their biographies! It's so fun to see what everyone is up to, so DO IT!

Just a quick note, as I really should do some homework since I am not attending my delightful classes today...naughty! I'm going to miss my Pop Culture class at the end of this semester...where else do you get encouraged to read Mills & Boon books and discuss McDonalds all day??

See you all at Belle's on the 29th (or else!)

Love the slack one (aka Kel)

June 28th, 2005
I'm officially a slackass!

Hi again! I know, I know...it's been four whole months since I've done an update and so much has happened in those four months, so I suppose I really should do an update (especially because I have two whole days off to do absolutely NOTHING! Hooray!)

Well, our apartment is going smashingly, except it is falling apart! Damn leaky toilet, broken drawer and falling-off tiles! Can't help but think we are getting ripped off in our rent, especially since it looks like a blind person painted the place. But I love the location (soooo convenient) so I'm torn.

Juanita is now seven months pregnant - can't wait until mini-Juanita comes! She sent me an MMS of her ultrasounds and her belly (coz I am so slack that I haven't caught up with her since she found out she was pregnant, slap slap!) and it's all so cute! I love having pregnant friends - baby clothes are sooo cute! I don't think my bank account likes my pregnant friends though. Hrmph.

This week we all said goodbye to the ullustrious Chump - Wayne has decided to pack up the family and move to Traralgon (god knows why) so our fave coverband is no more. Oh, the pain!

Happy Birthday to both Belinda and Kim - sorry I can't make it to your parties...damn work to hell! Keep me informed of all the shenanigans!

I am on holidays from Uni at the moment, thank god. I had the most stressful end of semester - I had three assignments and a twenty minute documentary that I had to submit. Many hours in front of the computer, six interviews and a ten hour stint in a recording studio later, I was finished. Seven weeks off - bloody hell, I deserve it!

Justin and I went to Sydney at the end of May for three days - not long enough! We stayed at the Carlton Crest on the 18th floor (beautiful!) and had a great time shopping, sightseeing, shopping, sightseeing. We caught the ferry over to Manly, which was awesome - there was a market there, and this old guy doing magic tricks (it was hilarious...half the time you could see what he was doing, lol). The weather was lovely as well. The highlight was definitely seeing the Lion King at the Capitol Theatre. It was such a brilliant show - we are definitely seeing it again when it opens in Melbourne. The costumes were incredible, and I was really impressed with the conversion from film to theatre - no easy task in any event, let alone when the characters aren't even human!

Work has been pretty crappy lately - I had to change teams, which I'm not impressed with at all. I now have no friends near me and my new team leader is a boy, so no good gossip sessions anymore! I miss my Franny! She is such a legend.

My little sister Bec came to visit me last week, as did my mum and dad. Bec stayed the night, so we spent the two days she was here for shopping and going to the movies (we saw Madagascar, lol!) as well as playing the Playstation (I bought GTA Vice City, it's very addictive). Had a great time.

Anyhoo, I shall tottle off now...no doubt it will be another four months before another update!

Hope everyone is well.
Love Kel xxx

February 23rd, 2005
Moving house is so much fun!

Hey guys! OMG yes, I'm doing an update!! Praise be!

Well, as most of you know, Justin and I have migrated from the sticks (aka Lower Templestowe) to the delightful Southbank (hooray, I'm a snob!). Our initiation was last week when the police shot a bloke up the road. Mmmhmm. It's so good living with Justin, I love it (and him!) However, it is kind of weird living in an apartment building...you walk in and can tell exactly what each apartment is having for dinner.

Meg has left us for Darwin! COME BACK MEG!

Happy Birthday to Chrissy and Benny - you're the big 21 like the rest of us now! Yay, we're getting old! How scary is it that if we lived in the US we'd only be able to start drinking NOW! EEK!

Benny's party was quite fun...Sandford turned up looking extremely camp in his sparkly matador outfit, Adriaans turned up with amusing hair ("WIPEOUT!") and I got my sister quite sloshed, and she proceeded to wake my mother up when we got home to tell her so. Hehehehe. Mum doesn't have to put up with me anymore, it's now BEC!

Valentines Day was cute, I baked Justin cookies, hehe! He bought be flowers and my fave choccies. Plus he gave me the sweetest, most lovely card ever in the history of the world, so it was a good day all round! YAY!

Lovin' the new place - we have ADSL now (after Telstra decided to FINALLY get their head out of their ass...but that's another story!) However, we cannot get Foxtel! Woe is me! Lucky for me, Kim was lovely enough to lend me all of her Sex and the City DVDs so at least I can keep myself entertained (Sunrise and Bert aren't on all day, remember!)

Work is going ok, don't know if I let you all know I quit the David Jones/Myer job a few months ago, but well...I did! They cracked the shits when I didn't sell anything one day, and then I didn't hear from them for like a month, then they rang me and asked me to work the next day and cracked it AGAIN when I said I had commitments already (hello, if you call someone at 6pm and then want them to work at 9am the next morning, you can't be shitty if they say no!). So anyhoo, I told them where to shove it. It was a shit job anyway, I'm so glad I kept the Foxtel one as well - PHEW! It's so busy at work at the moment, they're bringing out this new gadget that costs an arm and a leg to get set up, and for some reason, EVERYONE wants one. BLEH!

Anyhoo, gotta go have a shower and make myself look a little respectable - Chrissy's coming over to inspect the new pad.

Bye for what will probably be another eternity!
Love Kel

November 11th, 2004
The Mystery of the Poisoned Fish Tank

Yes, it is with regret that I announce that Ollie the fish is now motionless at the bottom of the fish tank, the only movement coming from his gills waving in the water. I can't bring myself to take him out and kill him, so I'll make Justin do it. Muhahaha!

It has been a crazy couple of weeks...as you all know, I turned the big TWENTY-ONE on the 31st...thanks to all who attended my par-tay and for making it a damn good one. And I do apologise for piking, but I'd had a rather nasty day and those damn shoes were caning my feet. Oh well, at least you got the big version of me to play with...yes, my MOTHER went out on the town with my friends, and stumbled through the front door after having a little party at Sandford's house at 5am. DISGRACEFUL.

I'd better backtrack and let you all know what happened that day, and what made it so stressful/insane/scary/etc etc etc...

Bec fainted and hit her head smack bang onto concrete. Yep, it was a mighty big clout to the ol' noggin, so after a half hour of being asked obscure questions by me to keep her awake, she got taken to hospital and was kept under observation for 5 hours. I knew it must have been serious, coz she couldn't remember the name of that boy who treks down to the payphone down the road every single night just to call Bec...uh oh!

Anyhoo, on any other day this would have been bearable...I mean, it still sucks that Bec was heavily concussed and more than a little aloof and in quite a bit of pain from the egg on her head, but for it to happen while we were trying to organise my party?! HORRENDOUS.

Somehow, we managed to pull it off (even though I began blubbering at numerous points throughout the day due to the stress and how crap I felt for not catching Bec and preventing the whole damn thing in the first place) and a fun time was had by all.

So I'd better give you all the low-down on the evening...
- I kept getting drinks shoved in my face every five minutes...I'm surprised I wasn't on the floor by 8pm, especially due to the novice bar girl who thought you had to fill the glass with vodka, then add lemonade to taste
- Mark and the ex-lovers speech...complete with neighbour boy and kinder boy
- Meg and her 21-embarrassing-things -I-can-tell-about-Kellie speech...can we just leave 'the sweetest grape of the bunch' thing to rest, please?!?
- Juanita and the baby blanket story...my god, we are retards!
- My cousin (who I haven't seen for YEARS) turning up...crazy!
- Ben feeding me Steroids and then fooling me into drinking Chartreuse...ew!
- Me dancing with Mikey (uni buddy from last year, overtly gay) and Beth coming up to him and telling him very succinctly, "She HAS a boyfriend!", to which he replied "There are sooooo many things wrong with that, my dear!"
- Ben and Con having a kissing competition, but limiting it to girls only...so wrong!
- The boys from Spoon (house coverband) constantly taking my photo (probably because my boobs were hanging out of my dress)...check the pics out here!
- Ben and Beck getting kicked out for being kinky on a chair in the girls' toilets
- My mother forming a group and trying to persuade the bouncers at the George to let her in after curfew...she was trying to pretend that Con was her son, even though he has dark skin!
- My mother leading the way to Sandford's house, where they formed a party

I'd like to give a big thanks to Mum and Dad for helping pay for the big night, as well as Mum and Kaye for being a humungous help with the food and other necessities...also thanks to Meg, Ben, Juanita and Mark for their speeches (oh dear god)...also to my uni buddies Beth, Tammy and Brigitte for their help with setting everything up (you guys are never to hold another drinking competition again EVER! LOL!)...and above all, thankyou thankyou thankyou to my delectable boyfriend Justin, who kept me sane throughout the day, informed me when I had panda eyes (remind me to buy waterproof mascara for situations such as these) and bought me too many drinks. LOVE YOU!

Anyhoo, there is more to the Bec story, so here 'tis...

Bec went to school on Monday but came after two periods. She couldn't remember Tess being at our house the previous day for the BBQ, and five minutes after having a convo with Danielle, she couldn't remember what they were talking about. She stayed home for the next couple of days, but rang Mum in tears on Wednesday coz her head hurt so much. Mum took her to the hospital, where they did a catscan and realised she was bleeding in her brain. She was then transferred to the Royal Children's Hospital, as they thought that she may need to have surgery. Anyhoo, the good news was that she was improving, so surgery wasn't required, but she spent three days there. I went and visited her and did the nice thing and bought her flowers and watched Shrek 2 and played Hangman. It's a hard life. But anyways, the long and short of it is that she's only just been allowed back to school, but she's still got 5 more weeks of no gym. And if you're Bec, that just SUCKS. But the main thing is, she's all good (and can remember the name of that special, special boy, wink wink!) and just needs to go back in 3 weeks for another catscan. Scary stuff!

Good news for Bec is that she got a job at Foodworks, so good on her!

Anyways, I think that's the lot...

Have a good one, everyone! Don't forget, Sexpo is on this weekend!

Love Kel

October 6th, 2004
Uni - Schmuni!

Yeah, I've been rather slack this week in attending Uni...it's their own fault for giving us a one week break so close to the end of semester - I'm in holiday mode!

Just a quick update, am supposed to be doing one of the four assigments that I've got...argh! News: Benny's department is closing down, so he's on the lookout for yet another job (he just doesn't have the luck, does he!). He's just moved to a new apartment, and OH MY GOD I AM JEALOUS. It's like a freakin' hotel. It has a concierge for Christ's sake. And if you walk out the back door, you fall in the Yarra. Damn him to hell!

My Dad just bought his own place, so he's moving in in a couple of weeks (sniff), so that will be...interesting.

Preparations are in full swing for my party, so if you haven't RSVP'd, HURRY UP!

Love Kel

July 1st, 2004
Tension, turmoil & the adventures of that bloody cup

Yes folks, I made an appearance in Ballarat over the weekend, though I did not venture out on the town due to extreme fatigue. Me and Justin were zonked due to travelling over 600 k's in the previous couple of days (Justin's grandpa died & we made the round trip to Bendigo and back - ughhhh). Me, Justin and Brendan finally made it to Bendigo after stopping at numerous 'little country hick-towns'. Cool landmarks included a couple of traffic lights and 'Mustafa's Kebab Shop'. Needless to say, we think that there is no Mustafa. There was some bloke named Russ, though.

I met the whole family (Justin's mum's side, anyway) and have decided to adopt Justin's nanna (she's so cute!). She will live in the dope-growing room. Funny relatives include Justin's uncle, who has a Harley Davidson tattoo across the back of his shaved head, Justin's nanna, and the one that everyone seemed to have something to say about (now now, we won't name names here!). It was quite an eventful day.

Lowlight of the trip: that little fucker of a kid who told me I had crap shoes. He was eleven for christ's sake!!

Nothing exciting happened during our couple of days in Ballarat - we piked and were home by 12am on the night of Belle's birthday celebrations. Sunday, we went furniture shopping (my mum was awesome and bought us a rattan and wood chest of drawers...it's pretty!) and had about 100 people at our house (Bec had invited Kaitlin and Dannii over to stay, all of my family plus Justin was there, plus the lovely Liam stopped in for a chat (but left because he wanted to watch 'The Shining' on SBS. Hrmmph.

Upon returning to Melbourne, we checked out the shopping district in Melton. Yeah, now THAT was fun! (Who was the goose who came up with that idea?!) We bought chicken and a smoothie. Oh, and Justin now has a strange fascination with checking out jewellery shops. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's looking for a special someone's 21st present (woohoo!)

Speaking of my 21st, I have it booked! Hooray! Celebrations are in Ballarat @ Seven. Keep the 30th of Oct free (or you'll have to answer to me!)

Happy birthday to Kim, who celebrated her birthday on Monday. You're getting old, Kim (but you don't look a day over 12! Hehehe I miss Muddy!)

Poor ol' Meg's just informed me that she's had her car broken into overnight! Damn thieves! So scary, it was parked out the front of our house!

Have a great week, everyone - I know I will! I get to go to an all-expenses-paid fancy cocktail party on Saturday night and stay the night at the Hilton! GO ME!

Over and out!
Kel

NEWS FROM THAT FAR-AWAY PLACE OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MELBOURNE - 21st June 2004

Yes, well I'm sorry everyone for the lateness of my responses, but I have been mega-busy for the past couple of months with Uni and work, and all that *fun* stuff. Uni is finished for the time being (seven weeks off, GO ME!) and work is refusing to give me any more hours, so I'm on my ass for most of the day, until I go to work. I'm seriously hating work...as we speak, I'm checking out seek.com.au coz I'm just so damn unhappy! I want to go back to retail I think...at least the abuse is tolerable.

Anyhoo, enough of my whinging! Justin and I are off to a cocktail party on the 3rd of July - yes, his work are paying! So hooray, we get to dress up nice and pretty & we are going to stay in a hotel for the night, as it will be our 6 month anniversary as well. Bless!

Unfortunately, that night is the same night as Kimbo's 22nd birthday party...but knowing Kimmy, she'll have a fabulous time whether I'm there or not! Her little bro Steve has just gone overseas for a few months as a counsellor on a Summer camp! What a lucky little biatch! Anyhoo, Kimbo's missin' him heaps.

Me and Juzzy T checked out The Day After Tomorrow (check out The Hitlist for my review) at Crown last weekend...and after coming out of the cinema, who should we hear but...The Slightly Average Pornstars! Yes, they were playing at the Allstar Cafe for the long weekend, so we went in and had a drink and a chat with Tristan (guitar man, friend of Justin's). We then left him when he had to try and pry to drunk old chicks off him, who were trying to score free drinks (oh, how embarrassing...that would have been me 6 months ago...*hides in shame*)

On the subject of Tristan, if any of you single gals out there want a lovely guitar player, Justin and I have made it our mission to find him a woman. She-males need not apply.

Meanwhile, I'd better head off...Justin has a surprise planned for me and I don't know what it is...GETTING SCARED!

I'll be making an appearance in Ballarat this weekend for Belle's birthday (HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY, BELLE!) so I'll be out Saturday night...if you're not heading out, then I'll be in 'The Hole' until Monday, so give me a message/call and I'll pencil you in (LOL!)

Love from the Marshmallow Man (?) herself

NEWS FROM THE LAST FEW HUNDRED YEARS - 23rd April 2004

Yo yo YO! Yes, its true, I haven't died...rather, I have just been mega mega busy with work and Uni and stuff. Ugh, Uni! I want holidays, dammit! We got a week off during Easter but I worked full time during that week, so I haven't had a break at all! Oh well, only 6 more weeks until exams/hols...ahhh! Plus, I don't think I have any exams! WOOHOO! Well, if I do, it'll be only one and very piss-easy. Hoorah!

Work is going well, I've moved up in the ladder already...I am now an Advanced Service member (something else to add to my ridiculous 'Entertainment Consultant' title) I love all my workmates (except one awful biatch who I won't name...she always refuses to help me, and tried to tell me I was getting the sack b/c I brought a laptop to work...LONG story, utterly ridiculous...basically, I needed to get some Uni work done and the battery on Justin's laptop had run out...so I went to work *to use their electricity* but this crazy supervisor there told me unless I left the building with the laptop *immediately*, I would be 'instantly dismissed'. WHAT THE??? Apparently she thought I was going to put a virus on the computers. Yeah, I'm craaaazy). One of my grrrls at work is pregnant! Hooray, go Sarah! John, Shane and Rory all refer to me as the resident 'Fag Hag' (all my best buds there are the gay boys). I love them all to bits, they're a riot! I love it, I get hugs and kisses all day, plus I will never have to buy magazines again, I'm in constant supply of them now! :)

I miss everyone in good ol' B-Rat so very much! We need to go out and get blotto (I don't drink much anymore...the last time I had a drink it was out at dinner with Justin...I decided I wanted a cocktail, so I got him to order me a strawberry & banana colada...he got the 'mega sized' one...yes, it was like a fishbowl. INSANELY HUGE. But yes, in typical Kel tradition, I drank it before we started eating and wound up quite silly indeed. I had to go to bed as soon as we got home, I was pissed! This was at TGI Friday's, a cool-ass restaurant up at Doncaster Shopppingtown. If it's your birthday, they sing you a crazy song and stuff! Heaps cool, the food was brill', and the cocktails bloody awesome!!

I don't have much else to report...oh, me and Chrissy are gonna go and audition for Aussie Idol. Shall be very fun (and embarrassing!)

Oh, I got an email from the lovely Jessica Paige - she's a young singer/songwriter (only 18 years old) from Melbourne. Me and Matt checked her out last year when she was playing at a gig with Matt's friends from Inside Zero (wonderful guys, catchy songs) and I was blown away. She was only 17, but her songs were absolutely fantastic. Think Jewel, but rockier. Jess is gonna keep me updated as to when her next gigs are (she gets heaps, so it won't be a long wait) so check out her website and give her an email if you like her stuff! Then come down to a gig with me and hear it in the flesh (we'll go to one that she's playing with Inside Zero, coz those boys are a bit spunky! hehehe!)

Have a great one, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my FABULOUS boyfriend! Happy Bday, spunk! (It's on the 26th, so make sure you post him a birthday message on the message board!)

Catch you all verrrry soon!
Love from the Ballarat-ite formerly known as Kel

NEWS OF THE LAST COUPLE OF MILLENIA - 3 March 2004

Yes, well kiddies, I have moved to Melbourne, got a new job at Foxtel and have just started at La Trobe uni. My whole life is totally weird now! I have to get used to never having any money now, too! ARGH!

I totally love Foxtel (I gave an old man free World Movies for a month coz he was a pisser), I have heaps of new friends, and plus Benny got a job there too, so it's all happening!! It's gay central up there, so he'll have a ball.

I miss my cat.

No drunken stories, I have seemed to have gotten over getting wasted...actually that's a little bit of a lie, but oh well. We got pissed on Chrissy's b'day (a verrry interesting drinking game...LOL!) and for our housewarming (Meg lead the karaoke, even though she was sober!)

Anyhoo, Ben is living with us for a couple of weeks til he gets his own place. Justin also got a new job and is currently househunting. No more having to wait til the weekend to see him! THANK BLOODY GOD!

Not much else to say, but we *finally* got the Net, so all is well!

Have a good week/month/millenium...til next time, KEL xx

NEWS OF THE PAST MONTH - 9th January 2004

Sorry kids, I've been wayyy too busy to update my site (that and the fact that I really couldn't be bothered!!) Basically, it went a little like this...

Big W Christmas Party (13th Dec)
Yes, it was on again, but unfortunately, there were no gay boys to kiss! DAMN! It was on this night that I marched up to Nick at Extrem when he was working behind the bar and abused the shit outta him (I'd just found out that he has a competition going with his buddies as to how many chicks he can sleep with!). Not my finest moment, but you get the drift! And then when I was looking after one of my workmates (who was spewing in the gutter at the time), a 30-year-old man asked me for my number. I woke up the next morning with about 5 new numbers in my phone.

Target Christmas Ball (20th Dec)
Me, Kim, Jane and Kelli rocked up looking dazzling at the Ball at the Alexandria. We sat around getting 'nicely toasted' (I ended up trying to rescue Santa from the balcony and pouring champers over unsuspecting people walking below us). We all ended up going to 21 Arms coz we got passes from the DJ (connections!). Luke got bored and went home. Me and Kelli met boys.

The Week of Christmas
On Christmas Eve, we did our traditional 'pissing off those who pissed us off this year' ritual. Christmas Day, I spent with the rellies in Melbourne, and then got home and went out to the Regent, where I watched one of Millsy's friends play pool. Ah, he was a personal trainer and DAMN FINE!

Well, it all started last Friday when I decided I'd go up to good ol' Melbourne and visit my lovely pal Chrissy. She agreed to pick me up from Spencer St as long as I would take a trip to Dandenong with her. Confused, but scared to ask, I agreed...and off we trundled.

Upon arriving at our destination, we were greeted by the lovely staff at the Club X Superstore. Yes, we had driven that long to go to a sex shop.

After a lot of deliberation, one of us made a purchase ("Would you be requiring any lubricants today?") we tottled off to the car and decided we were both going to work in sex shops. ("Staff discount! Woohoo!")

That night, me, Louise and Chrissy staggered on up to the Palace up the road from the flat. There, we saw Warrick (thankfully, his asshole friend Ryan was nowhere to be seen). Fun was had by all. Oh, and I finally saw the Surf Dogs in action. Not bad for two guys, a couple of guitars and a sequencer!!

The next day, I went shopping while Chrissy and Louise went to work (lucky me had the whole weekend off work due to the cancelling of Adelaide plans). That night, me and Chrissy had a couple of drinks and off we went (well, I was practically DRAGGING Chrissy up the road..."I hate the Elephant & Wheelbarrow!! Nooooooooo!") After singing the chorus of 'Rise Up' at a tram stop, we were on our way to catch Cam and his boys playing at the Elbow.

Chrissy managed to stay for a set (I think perving on the fill-in lead singer was helping...I practically had to roll up her tongue and shove it back in her mouth) before deciding to go sit outside. After dancing by myself (and being squished by evil bitches)for a while, this guy comes up to me.

Him: Why hello. May I have this dance?
Me: Uhh ok, sure thing.
Him: So where you from?
Me: Ballarat.
Him: Me, I'm from Melbourne.
Me: (nodding, trying to be polite) That's nice.
Him: So...you married?
Me: (insert look of horror here) Hell no! I'm only 20!
Him: Hmmm, yes I suppose that's a little young. You wanna come back to my place?
Me: NO!

Yada, yada, yada.

We left and ate McFlurrys before trundling off to Flinders St Station to try and find a cab. Highlight of the cab line was the whole line abusing the absolute crap out of one of the taxi drivers who wouldn't move up the rank until his car was full, even though it was obvious no-one else was going that way. Tres, tres amusing.

After being in the line for 45 mins, this scary islander-looking fellow comes up to me and grabs me in a headlock and proceeds to rant on about some bullshit that somewhat resembles this:

"You are as beautiful as the starlight...you are the sun that shines in the morning..."

After finishing his spiel, he decided that instead of going to St Kilda with his friends, he'd come to Camberwell with us instead. After much 'arghhh get away from me', he backed off. As we left, I heard him rambling the same 'starlight/sunshine spiel to another chick. "It took me 5 years to learn that speech! Whaddyamean you don't think I'm hot?"

The next day was spent having lunch with Chrissy and Louise's family, drinking more vodka, going to Ikea and driving home with Meggles (all the while, messaging some freak named Carlos, who I convinced that I was a dominatrix).

Fast forward to Wednesday...I won't go into much detail, but it involves a great night with Belle, Jarrod and Benny...plus a certain boy that works at Extremity...ahhh!!

See you all out Saturday night - Big W Chrissy Party, here I come!

Love Kel

NEWS OF THE LAST COUPLE OF MILLENNIA -- 25th November 2003

Hey guys! Long time no talk, I know...but hey, you get that! I've been so flat out with Uni that I haven't even given the updating a second thought. I've done a little bit of website stuff, but I will do heaps more when i can be bothered, really. Anyone that wants a profile should go to the message board and fill one out. I've uploaded Kim and Justin's profiles (as well as my own -- why should you guys get all the fun, hmm? Check it out here!

Anyhoo, Meg was gracious enough to email me her account of my birthday shenanigans in Melbourne on the 30th of October, so here is the general gist of what happened...

Me and Karrina tottled on up to Melbourne with Chrissy and got ready to go out. Warrick came over for a quick hello, as did 'Uncle David', which was nice of them! Anyways, Chrissy dropped me and Rinna off at the Hawthorn to catch the wonderful Freeeze live in action. After being told 'Happy Birthday' a few hundred times by lead singer Phil, I got photos with Robbie and Phil, and staggered on off to the Glenferrie.

After saying a quick 'Hi Mark, you remember meeee?' to ex-Blown guitarist Marky Mark, I proceeded to gatecrash the band room and demand that Wayne wish me a happy birthday. He reluctantly agreed, and before long, it was time for the boys to grace the stage yet again. By this stage, I was the best part of hammered and kept yelling various things out to the members of Chump (poor boys). Suddenly, I get a tap on the shoulder...who should it be, but MEG! I've never screamed so hard in my life (oh except when I went to see Hanson in Yr 8). I think Wayne thought I was having a fit. Anyhoo, Meg was armed with a pisser of a present (typical Meg-style) which consisted of a t-shirt with 'These Are Real' plastered across the front, a book called 'Alco-robics' (very good reading for someone like myself) and...a cucumber. I was so taken aback by the cucumber that I waved it around in the air at Wayne and he took it up on stage with him. Mark decided to eat some and hand it back to me. I threw it back in the box and carried on with my drunken dancing at the guys wearing yellow afro wigs (pics will be uploaded ASAP!)

I then decided to hijack Wayne's microphone and proclaim to the entire audience that 'Meg is looking for LESBIANS'. There was a roar throughout the crowd (however, none of these voices were female...) She then had to put up with every guy that came near her for the rest of the night asking her if she was 'really a lesbian'.

I then proceeded to make an ass out of myself by singing 'Enter Sandman' and some Guns n Roses song with Chump. I am so god damn elegant. We met some guys who were out celebrating one of their birthdays...I have no idea what their names were (oh except one was named Will...he'd just broken up with his gf, was 18 years old and was cracking onto anything with boobs). One of them was gross, we will call him Sleazy Black Shirt Guy. The other one, whose bday it was, was very nice...but nameless. Karrina decided that the cucumber should make a return, so she proceeded to deep-throat it on the dancefloor. Then one of the guys started eating it. Ewwww.

Anyhoo, the Glenferrie was closing and I managed to stay a few minutes later by exclaiming that 'I am with the band' and offering to help them load out. Needless to say, after Wayne the Chumpy Biatch claimed that he'd never seen me before in his life, we were booted out the door with the rest of 'em.

After standing on the street for a good 15 minutes, we finally decided to go to Crown. Upon arrival at Crown, I met a 'Black Posse' who kept singing 'Yo Kellie, it's your birthday' to me for a good 5 minutes straight...tiresome, very tiresome. They then proceeded to attack Meg at the ATM -- I heard her scream, so I ran over there...turns out one of them wanted her to go back to his place coz he had 'something to show her'...riiiight. Will, the 18 year old sleazoid (who apparently couldn't kiss for shit -- Meg) claimed that the Black Posse were all on heroin and were only talking to us so they'd get sex. Uh-huh.

We ended up at Odeon and found a guy with a yellow tie that everyone wanted to bash for some reason...it was all a bit too confusing in my drunken state! Anyhoo, every time we saw him, Will and Karrina would go into a frenzy. Me and Meg are still confused as to why. Another black guy came up to me on the dancefloor and danced seductively with his sparkly key-shaped bling bling at me. I think it was somehow supposed to turn me on...he failed dismally.

We ended up deciding to leave and we congregated out the front of Odeon. Suddenly, this official-looking guy came up to Meg and for some reason, she thought she was in trouble. I think he wanted to pick her up. Anyway, after finding out it was my birthday, he invited me inside for a birthday drink. I politely declined, as my head seemed to want to fall off already...

We somehow made it back to Chrissy's house in one piece. Me and Meg tottled on back to Ballarat surviving on about 3 hours sleep...ughh.

Friday night, my actual birthday, was fairly uneventful. I got a new stereo from my parents (though its too big to actually fit in my room...lol!). Ben stood in for my absent dad at dinner, and then took me out for a couple of beers at Irwins.

Saturday, me, Ben, Jarrod and Belle went back to Melbourne to go shopping at Chadstone and Highpoint (and to purchase a computer for Ben...we discovered there is a lack of banks in Malvern East). I blew all my hard-earned dosh on clothes, clothes, and more clothes. Oh well, at least I won't look like a hobo anymore.

After returning to Ballarat (and being 40 minutes late to my own party) we all got set to piss the night away (well, some of us...lol). We went over to Irwins and then dragged our sorry asses over to the Arms for old time's sake. Liss' friend (can't remember her name, sorry!) was trying to teach me how to 'bump' into boys. She didn't have much luck, and neither did I. However, Liss picked up. He was awful. I pretended to 'need her' so we could escape...phew.

I don't think much else has happened since my birthday...congrats to everyone who survived another year of Uni!

I promise it won't be that long until another update...stay tuned for more pics to be uploaded soon!

Oh, and I'm sure you're all wondering what in the hell ended up happening to the infamous cucumber...I got a message from Wayne a few days later, and apparently there were five bouncers crowded around the dancefloor in a circle. In the middle of the circle stood the cucumber, submerged in a glass of beer.

PS - Since both my scanners have decided not to work with XP, it will be a while until I can upload anything...sigh! If anyone has a scanner they would like to let me use, pass it on over! :D

Catch you all later!
Love from the Birthday Girl

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS - 6th October 2003

Well, so much has happened in the past couple of weeks...spent a few days in Melbourne (gee, what a surprise) and met more assholes. Let me explain...

Went up to Melbourne on Grand Final day...made a friend named Helen on the train (HELENNNNN!) - she had anxiety and depression and had been discharged from the hospital the previous day...anyhoo there was this drunk guy on the train (yes, he was drinking beer on the train and the dumbass V-Line people didn't give a shit) and I had to spend a good portion of the train ride trying to calm Helen down coz she was scared shitless of this drunk guy. He was ASSHOLE #1.

Anyways, my plan was to go and drop my shit off at Chrissy's place and then walk on over to Warrick's house to confront Ryan about all his stupid crap. Turns out he's mad at me coz I apparently hung up on him when he called me. My side of the story is that I thought it was Ben and my phone battery died. Anyways, my plan turned to crap when Ryan ended up kicking MY ass via SMS...yes, the prick got the upper hand. DAMN HIM! So anyway, much to my disappointment, Ryan turned out to be the world's biggest asshole. So he was ASSHOLE #2 for the day.

We ended up at the Elephant and Wheelbarrow (surprise surprise) to see the ullustrious Cam (oh, and the rest of Bedrock lol). ASSHOLE #3 was a big tall drunk guy who was dancing like Ben (yes, it was scary!) and kept attacking me, Shell, Karrina and Chrissy. BAH!

One of the bouncers came up to Karrina and goes "Hey, I remember you...wink wink!" LMAO! Yes, he remembered her lesbian-like shenanigans. It was amusing to say the least!

Scored a couple of free drinks from Matt and Cam (both from the kick-ass band Bedrock -- you guys are coming with me to see them, they rock!) and whilst drinking one of them, this guy came up to me and introduced me to his friends...claiming one of them was John Travolta's son. Um...ok. Anyhoo, the weird guy introduced himself as Nick. We went and had a dance. He purposely went and stood directly in front of Cam and kept giving him thumbs up...and then proceeded to ask me if I could steal Cam's shorts (the shorts were GROSS by the way...Cam - shame, shame, shame!)

Anyhoo, we had to leave coz Chrissy was getting stalked by some guy who had an abundance of condoms. Nick gave me his number and we proceeded to tell Chrissy's stalker that there was an emergency at home - turns out the cat died and we'd run out of beer (??!!). Oh well, after sprinting up the road, we lost him. We met this other group of guys who were willing to pay Karrina $100 to flash them. I had a competition with one of them to see who had the best wallet. He won, with his Versace wallet. My humble Astroboy wallet didn't quite get up to that standard...hehe.

Anyways, we got to Flinders St and waited in the taxi line. This is where we met some weird guys with half a footlong from Subway (yes, it was 4am and this guy must have been carrying it around for about 5 hours!). I tried to steal the Subway but was warned by his friend to not eat it...thank god.

Anyways, after much waiting and freezing and yelling at asshole taxi drivers, we got home and made pancakes at 4.30 in the morning. Go us!

I was supposed to go home that day but ended up staying in case Nick (guy from previous night) called. Stayed at Shell's for a couple of days, but didn't hear from Nick. This made him ASSHOLE #4.

Right, well that brings us to the weekend just gone...MEG'S PARTY. Oh dear...

Here's a brief (very brief) run-down of the night --

- I got a message from stalker boy Pete (I wonder if my reply made any sense at all...)
- There was a bit of an orgy in the backyard ("I'm only kissing girls!")
- I was trying to chat up the guys at the Pre-Mix King...I asked them if I could steal one of their signs that said something about picking up guys...they said no. Sigh.
- Everyone armed with a can of silly string decided to gang up on me (Ben - "At least I don't have string on my boob!")
- Ben kept clutching my left breast and bragging to Brenton that he was 'allowed to'.
- We sang ridiculous songs during Karaoke time
- The punch kicked ass...I kept telling Kit to drink 'just a little bit more'
And thats about all I remember from the party...

We went to Extrem...I put my name down for Karaoke but was then shuffled off to the Dog before I got to sing (cry!) There was this awesome band at the Dog, I must go check em out again coz they played all my fave songs (so yes Ben, you will hate them!)

So much for my 3am bedtime...I got home at like, 5.30...and had to work at 9.45am. Ughh.

Hope you all had a fab night...I know I did! (wink wink! ROFL!)

Love from a verrrrry tired Kel Kel

NEWS OF THE WEEK - 25th September 2003

Hey guys! Well, I've just gotten back from yet another few days in the ullustrious Melbourne...not much to report at this stage, but I am going back tomorrow for a major 'kicking of Ryan's ass'. Can't wait!

Well, as most of you know, Sunday was my BBQ...was very disappointed in those who didn't show! GRRR! Anyhoo, I got fairly tipsy (how unusual) and yes. It was fun. Thanks to Ben for the Pav n cheese. We STILL haven't been able to eat all the god damn cheese, Bennito! Anyhoo, thanks to everyone who came (special thanks to Stav for coming all the way from Melb), it was a great night.

Monday night, I was feeling a little sad due to the Ryan-is-an-ass factor, so I set about Meg-style getting wasted by myself...was fun.

Tuesday was 'Kel and Karrina's Trip to Melbourne' day. That night, Warrick came over for dinner and then me and Karrina went back to the notorious Hawthorn to see Chill (yet another band). They were ok, but kept stuffing up their timing and totally lost my vote when they buggered up the words to my beloved Grinspoon. Grr! Nah, the boys were fun and got us dancing (even though it was only me and Karrina on the dancefloor for a portion of the night). A guy totally ruined my night when he came up to me singing 'da da da...when the fat lady sings'. FUCKING BASTARD! I hate ALL guys, they are ALL pricks, I am sick of their shit!! I am going to the mountains to live with my goat and to grow a vegie patch. Hrmph.

Anyhoo, the wonderful Robbi (from the band Inferno) got up and sang 'Bring Me to Life', which rocked (once they got their sequence organised...bloody helllll!). Good on ya Robbi, you still kicked ass!

Good to see Andy again...I'm sure he's sick of me now!

Anyhoo, the next day, I was in dire need of some retail therapy as a result of the recent events. I bought new jeans from Jeanswest, a top from 'Sporty-girl" (HA! Damascus people, do you remember that??!) and miscellaneous presents for my mum from the Body Shop...oh and also...AN ASTROBOY WALLET!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Needless to say, I was FUCKING EXCITED!

Anyhoo, not much else to report...will let you know what happens on the weekend -- seeing Ryan and Cam! Should be...interesting. I'm excited about seeing Cam. I'm shit scared of seeing Ryan. Oh well, he'll be drunk so maybe he'll talk to me. Meh.

Toodles noodles!
Kel

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 16th September 2003

Ok kids, sorry about the lateness of this one too...so you get two updates in one!
I just had the most awesome weekend in history...oh, it was wonderful. Basically, the fun started on Friday when Karrina and I arrived in Melbourne. Friday night, we had a few drinks and headed on over to Chapel St in order to find Cam Cam the Bass-playing Man. (For all of you not in the know, Cam is my mate from the band Bedrock and *almost* rates as high as Muddy on the coolness scale). We found him at Bridies, which is this mega-fantastic pub place.

So we danced and we danced, while Karrina made eyes with a fella in a striped shirt and Chrissy played Bounce on her new phone (yes, she was bored...no dance music, lol!). Anyhoo, some time later, Striped Shirt Guy came over and him and Karrina hit it off. His name's Warwick and he's 28...and is mega mega hot! Riowww! Anyhoo, his mate (we'll call him 'The Blonde One' for now...) kept coming up to me and telling me to 'watch Karrina'...rightio! I really don't know what that was all about...

Anyways, we kept dancing and Black Shirt Arm Dancing Guy comes up to me and asks very politely, "Can I please dance with you?" I almost laughed, considering he'd been lurking around my left shoulder for almost 10 minutes now...but I let him dance with us, coz I'm a pretty nice gal, I guess! Then 'The Blonde One' was comparing muscles with Chrissy. Riiight...Anyways, Black Shirt Arm Dancing Guy (yes, he danced with his arms out like a gorilla) kept getting hounded by his friend to leave...his friend handed him $20 and said, "See this twenty bucks? We're going!" I don't know what the significance of the $20 was, but...anyhoo, it got him away from me (but not without an attempted maul, which ended only in a kiss on the cheek, thank GOD!). I then got a tap on the shoulder, so I turned around and was greeted by a guy who said "Oh my GOD, I love your tits!" so my immediate reaction was to scream "FUCK OFF!" at him and walk off. God damn!

After Bridies closed, we stood outside and talked to Cam for a while...which was funny, coz another one of Warwick's mates, Luke, goes to Cam, "So, were you in there tonight?" and Cam goes "Yeah, was in there for a while..."...this went on for a little while until I just pissed myself laughing and told Luke that Cam was the bass player in the band! LOL! He looked very embarrassed and tried to make up several excuses as to why he wasn't watching Bedrock instead of hanging out at the bar.

Ok, so after spending all of Saturday in bed watching home improvement shows (we learnt how to make a patio, how to paint concrete and how to fish), we decided to get up and get ready for our mini dinner party. Those invited were Warwick (from the previous night -- Warwick lives around the corner from Chrissy, how freaky!) and David, the infamous fella of Chrissy's.

It was David's shout for the night's booze, so we got loaded on vodka and red wine while making the spaghetti bolognaise...it was quite amusing to watch a tipsy Karrina try and cook! Warwick decided to go and shout us some Heinekins, so we were more than merry when we decided to go to the Elephant & Wheelbarrow to go and see Cam again.

After me and Karrina got up to some shenanigans in the taxi, we somehow made it inside and to the dancefloor. I met another couple of Warwick's friends, Mick and Kim...Kim was a lesbian. Yes, me and Kim got it on, yes, me and Kim got stared at, yes, Matt (lead singer of Bedrock) decided to yell out "Boy, those girls from Ballarat sure know how to have fun!" and yes, we had shitloads of guys come up to us and beg us to kiss again for them. It was so fucking annoying! Seriously, that has never happened to me before! All the guys there were absolute assholes...except for a select few. One of the decent ones was wearing an Astro Boy tshirt! ARGHHHH! I asked him very politely if I could have his shirt, but he said no. I was shattered.

Whilst the band was playing, for some reason I decided to try and rip off Karrina's top. Matt (Bedrock) saw and um, we made him forget the words! LMAO! Oh well, we got a free drink so all was good.

After they finished playing, I had a chat to Cam...and after trying to convince him that they should play five sets instead of three, Cam goes "Um I hope you realise that your ex boyfriend is here!" So I turned around, and you guessed it, Matt was standing just a few metres away from me. Anyhoo, while I was stressing about that, 'The Blonde Guy' from the night before came over and we ended up having a smooch. I saw Matt see us and he walked off. After that, I had a quick chat to some of my homies from the Coverbands Messageboard - Kizzy (the biatch!), little Big Bird and the Split girls, Mon and Annie, as well as Cam. Matt decided to come over as well, it was so damn awkward...he insisted on standing next to Cam, who was standing next to me...geez!

Anyhoo, me, Karrina, Warwick, Chrissy and 'The Blonde Guy' all jumped in a cab and went back to Chrissy's place to grab the rest of our booze. From there, all of us (minus a very tired Chrissy) stumbled up the road to Warwick's place, with Karrina doing the 'Heiny Dance' up the street. Once there, I polished off a fairly good amount of vodka before me and 'The Blonde Guy' stumbled on back to Chrissy's place.

Anyhoo, in the morning, I was in the shower when 'The Blonde Guy' poked his head around the door and said he had to leave to pick up Warwick's car, but he'd left his number on the computer and made me promise to call him. Needless to say, I was stoked...

Anyhoo, we FINALLY got back to Ballarat after being stuck in Spencer Street station for nearly THREE FREAKIN HOURS after missing our train home as a result of Connex being dumbass biatches...ughhh. I was still hungover as hell on Monday at work!!

Anyhoo, that was my weekend...big hugs to Cam and the rest of the Bedrock boys for helping us have a fantastic time in Melbourne. Oh and thanks for the drinks and smokes, Cam :D

Oh, and I guess I really should explain the 'Tall Blonde Guy' thing...see, the thing is that um, I didn't actually know his name. I thought it was Warren, Karrina thought it was Brian, but now we've come to the conclusion that his name is Ryan. Then again, it could be Michael for all we know! Karrina is nearly positive it's Ryan, so we're going with that...oh, and he's 24, tall, blonde and is a drama teacher. Riowwww...Now I'm trying to decide whether to break the 'Wednesday Rule' and call him tonight, which is Tuesday. Ho hum!

Hope you all had as much fun as I did...just please people, don't get as drunk as Benny did and wake up next to a hot dog and a chicken schnitzel sandwich!!
Love from the Kinky One

NEWS OF THE MID-WEEK -- 22nd August 2003

Ok, ok, so I know the weekend hasn't even HAPPENED yet, but basically, I had my Saturday night on Wednesday night so that I'd be bright and chipper for the Latrobe Open Day this Sunday. Ok, enough boring crap!

Wednesday started off like any other Wednesday...until me and Pym decided to blow off our last class and go to her house to watch about a million episodes of Buffy (plus a couple of the Simpsons, plus some Roseanne and Angel) before we decided we'd celebrate uhh...the ability to drink (?!)

So we rounded up Leonie and Karrina and we all tottled off to the Black Rhino for some cheap booze (omg, it's $10 jugs of spirits, $8 jugs of beer and $3 shots...we got very happy on tequila!) The fun began when we were all a little tipsy (well, some of us were tipsy...some us were umm..."something else") and we decided to suss out whether guys knew where Lebanon was. After several guys failed, one guy (who seemed to know TOO much about geography) drew a detailed map of where Labanon is. It was bizarre. This turned into a trivia game much like Who Wants To Be a Millionaire (including "ask the audience" and "phone a friend").

We got a bit bored of that after a while, so we decided to pop on over to Rattle (which has scarily become my fave place to go on a Wednesday night...I know, it scares me too!!) before we got bored of that place and hightailed it to Irwins for some KARAOKE!!

Yes, me and Pym dominated the Karaoke with 'Can't Fight the Moonlight' (umm...yesssss...) and 'Killing Me Softly'. It was halfway through 'Killing Me Softly' that I saw him. Yes, HIM. Yes kids, it was FIELDO.

He decided he'd walk past 50 or so times while I was trying to sing. Ughhhh. Karrina seemed to think it was mighty funny. I did NOT, however.

Anyhoo, we trundled off home and that's the end of my story.

Hope you all have a fab weekend, HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY to TENILLE (sorry I couldn't make it out, I was still recovering from Wednesday!!)

Bye kids!
Love Kinky Kel, the Lebanese Queen

NEWS OF THE PAST MILLION YEARS -- 19th August 2003

Ok, ok...feel free to kick my ass. I've been so god damn flat out with Uni and other stuff that I've barely had time to bloody sleep (as many of you may have seen with my stunning display at work the other day...2 1/2 hours sleep and still going strong!)

I guess the big news is as follows:
- Pym and Steph have both left Uni, much to my utter dismay
- Me, Nic and Dawsy have finally gotten our shit together and have something that resembles a band...
- I am going skiing in New Zealand for two weeks next year (no, not for good Eloise, no need to cry like you did at the Arms the other night!)
- I am definitely outta this hole (also known as Ballarat) next year...hopefully living with Tina Titties (aka Chrissy)
- Me and Steph went to see the delectable SUM 41 in Melbourne a couple of weeks ago and mannn was it sweet! We got t-shirts, we got t-shirts!
- I regained my mojo in the form of a guy that couldn't dance for crap at Rattle (yes, I ventured out to Rattle after consuming a bottle of vodka and a bottle of the dreaded tequila with Simon and Belle)
- According to my mum's card-reading friend Eddy, I am having a baby when I move to Melbourne...Implanon, wherefore art thou??

God damn, its been so damn long I have long since forgotten what I've been doing for the past 5 weeks! I know I did stuff...meh, what can ya do.

Well, that's about all I have time for kids, more to come next week though!
Oh and PS - check out the calendar for updated up-coming events that are not to miss!
Love from Kel, the slackass biatch

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 15th July 2003

Hey guys! Well, I'm currently in the process of recovering from a bitch of a weekend...ughh!! Saturday night, me and Crystal tottled over to Kimmy's place for some drinks (and a very fattening dinner...ew!) before heading off to the Arms. Since Kim and Crystal weren't drinking the free champagne, I ended up having to drink three at once (on top of the half a million drinks I had already consumed at Kim's place). Plus, I kept scoring Jimmy from our 'good friend' Adam (LMAO! YEAH RIGHT!) so I was pretty trashed. This caused me to have rather drunken conversations with every single band member of Resurge -- telling Tom to share his part of the rider with me, telling Andy he was 'annoying', having Craig keep shoving my head up his kilt (ughh shudder), talking to Dean about um whatever I was talking to him about (by the way, you can catch Dean from time to time at the Black Rhino doing a mixture of covers and his own originals -- I've heard his originals and they're mighty fine!) and telling Tony to tell Andy that if I didn't see him at the Geelong Hotel this Thursday then I would have no choice but to kick his ass. Lol, he thought I was Tania (one of Tania's friends has been sending Tony weird SMS' about her Andy obsession) but I set the record straight (I wasn't taking the blame for that!)

I also remember telling Tony to be quiet when he saw me take a photo of Andy's ass (hello, Tania made me!!)...then I proceeded to fall up the stairs to the Lounge (I have got the world's biggest carpet burn on my knee!) and show half the club my ass (I'm so ashamed!)

After getting chatted up by Bung Eye Guy and playing several jokes on Luke, I proceeded to pass out temporarily in the toilets due to my rather prominent intoxication and the fact that I'd had no water at all. After getting some water into me, I was as right as rain, so me and Juanita stumbled across the road where we found Luke.

After waiting for Juanita to purchase half of the chips van (lol 'It's Harry Hamburger!' 'No it's not!') all three of us stumbled up the road to Benny T's place, where we picked up Luke's car (yes I know I'm stupid, Luke was just about as drunk as I was...) and he drove us all home. Luke pulled up in front of his place but I made him drive us to my house (all the way across the road!!)

Had to laugh when his sister came up to me at work on Sunday and said "Hey Kel, did you drive Luke's car home last night?" LMAO! "Um..yesss...!" Oh, I am so evil.

Sunday night was Meg's housewarming party. I was so god damn screwed after a huge night the night before and having worked all arvo, but I still put in a good effort. We ate pizza at like, midnight. Extra kilos, here I come!

Well guys, hope you had a fab w/e...only one more week of holidays :(

Love from the Uni-hating Kel

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 7th July 2003

Hey everyone! Well, holidays are in full swing and I'm loving every god damn second. But I know what you're all thinking -- where's the drunk stuff? Well, here you go.

My 'weekend' started on Thursday night when I went up to Geelong with Steph from Uni. After I read Steph and her friends' cards (with some quite scary results, mind you!) we visited the Nash for about 5 mins and then tottled off to the GH to meet some friends. It was very disappointing to see that Resurge weren't playing, but Play-doh was...yeah they were fab. NOT. I was doing my usual band-moliness but Steph pulled me away (many thanks Steph). I met the infamous Geelong boys that Steph keeps talking about -- great to finally put faces to names (and boy, are they hot faces. Whew!) We got fairly merry considering it was $2.50 basic spirits during happy hour and Steph and her mates made me drink Chartreuse. Ughhh.

Surprisingly, I woke in the morning with a very minimal hangover and caught the bus back to good ol' Ballarat.

After telling everyone I wasn't going out on Saturday night (much to everyone's surprise and disgust), I decided that I'd have a few drinks with Belle and Steve and Rob over at Waller Ave. And when I say a few, this isn't the usual 'Kel Few' (which means 15+) this was a REAL few, like 4. I know, what's wrong with me??? Discovery of the night: my smokes had a weird honey smell going on. Big shrugs!!

We saw Andy (keyboardist from Resurge) in the Shed, so I went up and said hi. He was really happy to see me for some reason (!!) and gave me a hug and a kiss and then proceeded to tell me I smelt nice (aww). We had a good chat for a while, when I told him I had been in Geelong looking for him. Turns out Resurge got the ass from the GH (one week's notice, how shit!) but he'd been there with his 'model friends' (when he said that, he made some gesture about breasts...) I couldn't believe I didn't see him. Sigh!

Due to my semi-soborness, I didn't have my trademark beer goggles clouding my vision, so I saw what the guys at the Arms reeeeally look like. EW! I had this one guy who kept following me around all night, poking me and saying "G'day gorgeous!"; then this other guy asked me for a smoke and wouldn't stop loitering (I ended up walking off lol) and then there was the guy that tried to pull me onto the podium, despite me telling him no about 50 times...he then leaned over and LICKED MY EAR (how utterly foul) then when I was mouthing 'HELP' to Steve, the guy told him to back off...by this stage, nameless podium guy was leaning over me with his hand on my chest...Belle saw this and decided to grab him by the collar and punch him in the face. LMAO! I loved it.

The Arms closed late (for whatever reason...the bouncers were all having a psych!) and me, Belle and Steve went home (despite me and Belle's pledge not to leave until we'd both picked up lol). There was this guy in the taxi line who kept pushing Belle without realising it. When he asked me for a lighter, Belle said "You can have it if you stop pushing me!" so he turns around and promptly pushes her before he can light his smoke. She grabs the lighter and says "Well, you're not getting it now, are you!!" I laughed.

Ok, so that was the weekend -- all you Melbournites give me a call coz I'll be up there for a couple of days this week. According to Camo, we're going out in Brunswick St, so all are invited!

Hope you all have a great week!
Love from Kel

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 29th June 2003

Hey guys, sorry yet again for my slackness in updates. I've been flat out with the end of semester at uni (my brain is now officially fried) but all is well as I've got three whole weeks off from the perils of my course. I plan on doing nothing. Actually, I'll be hanging out in Melbourne and Geelong a fair bit coz I need to get outta this place. Ballarat = crappo.

Anyhoo, I guess I'll fill you in on the past few weeks' activities...god, it was so long ago that I don't remember what I did! Rightio, I guess we'll start from last weekend coz at least I remember what I got up to.

Last Saturday night was Maree's 21st...nothing very exciting happened other than me going to Rattle & Scum after the party...yes, I continue to surprise myself too! Me, Amy, Erin and Amy's fella (mental blank on his name!!) conned the bouncers into letting us in the VIP line, but as expected, it was shithouse and I tottled off to the Arms by myself after about 15 minutes of agony.

Resurge were playing at the Arms...guitarist Dean gave me a demo CD of his own originals, so that was pretty cool.

Ok, well onto Kimmy's 21st that was on this weekend...much funny stuff happened (though I'm struggling to remember...too many free champagnes for Kel Kel!)

Funny stuff of the night:
- me and Rach's speech...we kicked ass!

- Jesse asking a couple of guys for I.D when they walked in the door...they actually thought he was a bouncer (even though he's a stick and was wearing a suit with runners!) and produced their I.D for him...muhahaha!

- Me and Ramsay asking the bar chick if she worked there when it was a titties bar

- Kim's dad Brian giving me a cold party pie...I said 'Brian, this pie tastes like shit!' and he just laughed and walked off...so I gave my half-eaten pie to the bar chick!

- Me, Jesse and Luke's convo about sex...oh dear. I wish I hadn't been a part of it.

- Meg telling everyone that I slept with SANDFORD!

- Kim's aunties making Ramsay buy me a drink

- My drunken conversation with Kim's rellos...*hides face in shame*

- I gave Ramsay my number for some strange reason...!

Right, well that's all I remember from the party...so let's move on to after-party celebrations...

First off, me, Luke, Liss and Belle went to Extrem...I don't actually remember what we did in there...all I know is that I saw Fieldo waving to me through the window and told the whole line that I slept with him...me and Belle went over to the Arms and met some blokes in the line that knew Luke (one of them had pics of him in his wallet...riiiight!) but oh well, one of them bought me a drink, so I don't care!!

Not alot happened out, but Resurge was missing Dean...turns out that something happened between him and lead singer Craig (yay for me, I find out goss from keyboardist Andy). Stay tuned for more goss (and new pics, once I can get my stupid FTP to work!) on Resurge.

Happy Birthdays to Maree and Kimbo! I'll keep you all posted on any shenanigans that happen this week in Geelong when me, Steph and assorted others hit the town on Thursday night!

Have a good one, everyone!
Love Kel

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 9th June 2003

Hey everyone, well since it's the long weekend and I'm sitting around bored out of my brains, waiting for Pym's pissup/BBQ to start, I thought I'd drop you all a lil' note on what's been happening in the past couple of weeks. I'll start at the start, but man, you HAVE the read the end, coz it's what's responsible for me having to go to counselling this week...

Last weekend, Kimbo and Crystal came over for tea and got smashed with me. Like, verrrry smashed. Ughh *shudders!*

After filling up on vodka/tequila/Cruisers/Cougar/anything else we could find, we called our fave Taxi-man, Flynny (aka the Yodelling Taxi). He drove us to the Regent, where I was confronted by a hot bloke who seemed to know me reeeeally well. It took me about 5 minutes of him saying "Tristan! You know, Tristan from down the road!" to realise that he was the guy I grew up with that lived up the road that I've had the biggest thing for in the history of mankind for the past, oh say...ETERNITY.

After that, me and Kimbo (we'd lost Crystal ALREADY!) headed off to the Arms. The whole night was a little blurry, considering that I'd drank the best part of a large bottle of vodka. All I remember is dancing with the Resurge boys on the stage with a rather large penis on my head (oh well, I got a kiss on the cheek from Andy, so I was happy!), seeing Chris and poking him a lot, seeing Kimbo dancing on stage, um...then going home (thankyou Chris!)

Rightio, well yesterday at work was interesting...

Sorry guys, but I just got a call from my manager who said that if the media calls me, just to say 'No Comment'. So I guess I can't write on here what happened, coz I'll lose my job if it gets out.

Anyhoo, bottom line is, something bad happened at work, as a lot of you may or may not know, and yep, I need counselling. No comment!

Kel

NEWS OF THE PAST FIFTY BAZILLION WEEKS -- 30th May 2003

OK, OK! I know I need a big kick up the bum but oh well! I've been extreeeemely busy with Uni and work and trying not to overdose on Nurofen (my face was swelled up like a balloon! LMAO!)

So yes, thankfully the semester has almost come to an end and me and the Uni crew are heading up to Torquay to get verrry smashed! YAY!

Also, a very belated THANKYOU SO GOD DAMN MUCH to Belle, who found my bag after it was stolen at the Arms a few weeks ago. Thanks to Belle, I only lost $50 and got my beloved phone back (I was sweatin' bullets, man!)

Hmm...god, was has happened in the past few weeks?! It's all so long ago...Alright, well I'll just fill you in on last weekend, last Sunday to be precise...THE COVERBAND COLLECTIVE.

It was all to raise money for the kiddies (the Make a Wish Foundation to be exact), and boy, did they do it. Almost $1600 was raised from the night, so everyone involved should be very proud of themselves. Big congrats to Andy who organised the night, as well as the bands that generously donated their time for free -- FREEEZE, BEDROCK (go Cam!), FELIX, PEAN and CHUMP! Also, thanks to the 'Split' twins, Mon and Annie, for being the raffle ticket girls for the night. Big congrats to Cerae, who won the main prize (a KYACK!)

The night went along fabulously, with only a few (cough!) technical hitches (it's custom to blow up at least ONE amp at a Collective!) and even though (to the disgust of some) Pean went against the rules and played 'Flagpole Sitta', everyone was in high spirits (literally...ughh too much bourbon!)

It was a big relief when I saw Bec, who actually WAS talking to me...(was freaking out that she'd give me a big bitch slap!) and then saw Rob (Freeeze guitarist) who was his usual fun-loving/hot/funny/hot/great/hot self. Ahhh.

The only bad part of the night was when this feral old man decided it would be fun to crack onto me while Freeeze were on stage. "G'day love! Me name's Paul and I'm a drunk!" Uhhh yes, it was then that Sandford decided to pretend to be my boyfriend...I couldn't stop pissing myself laughing, picturing myself going out with SANDFORD! Teehee! Even Sandford got freaked out when Drunk Paul Guy decided to touch Sandford's ass. LMAO! And then a midget got kicked out for being too drunk. It was priceless!

On a less higher note however, I must express my sympathy to a couple of people who lost loved ones this week. Firstly to Kimbo, whose grandma lost her battle with cancer, and secondly to TJ (aka 'The Doc'), who was supposed to be hosting the Collective, who tragically lost his brother in a car accident. All our love and sympathy to both of you guys and your families during this terrible time.

Hope everyone has a fab week...I've only got one more lecture with the infamous Commy-Lesbo-Fem-Nazi! The world rejoices!

I'm gonna get absolutely shitfaced tomorrow. Ooooh yeah.

Kel

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 7th May 2003

Alright guys, I know I've been slack AGAIN, but to be frank, so much bloody shit has been going on that I haven't been able to write.

Most of you would know by now that me and Matt broke up for reasons that I guess a few people might know by now...so yeah, well I'm not defending myself anymore coz to be blunt, I'm damn well sick of it. I lost a lot because of what happened, and I certainly don't need the guilt trip laid on me more than it already is. It happened, it's in the past, there's nothing I can do about it now, and if I'm not 'worthy of your time' well who cares. I'm worthy of other people's time.

So anyway, last LAST weekend was spent at Eloise's 21st, and boy, did it go off with a bang!! I was karaoke queen, yay for me (though I probably won't be saying that after I watch the video of it...oh dear...)

Then on the Thursday, me and Leonie (uni chick) went off to Extrem and Irwin's with Chris' housemates. After much pool playing, Damian decided he'd walk me home...yes. He tried to attack me next to a rail way track in some bushes. It was scary, considering he'd taken a few E's and was quite intoxicated at the time (as was I). Then he cracked the shits when I wouldn't sleep with him (hello, would you sleep with ANYONE in the bushes next to the railway track at the back of Little Clyde St?!) THEN proceeded to tell me he had a girlfriend, THEN proceeded to tell me that he wanted to kill himself. I was shitting myself. EEK!

The weekend just gone, me and Meggles tottled on down to Melbourne to catch up with Chrissy. We went to the Mercury Lounge at Crown and were unfortunate enough to catch the Melody Lords shake their hairy, old feral booties. It was shameful, really.

But all was better when the ullustrious Crazy Haus graced the stage (though I had to physically push a very sleazy Asian fella off me). As usual, Louie was up to his crazy antics (ie. riding a motorbike across the stage, and dancing with his trademark blow up doll, who was joined this week by a rather large inflatable penis). He remembered me though, it was great!

I developed a love for a guy named Daniel...ahh he was cute. Meg seemed to develop a love for his friend Chris (hmmm I wish they would share the love lol!) Anyhoo, Meg can keep you posted on any details that arise this week on the Chris part...riowwww! I was also jealous of Chrissy, who picked up a major hottie (drool, drool)...all I got was sleazy Asians. Mannnnnnnn!

Ok, well sorry about the shortness of this update, I'm in computer class and I'm supposed to be doing work, and I've drank too many shotties. Meh.

Stay safe everyone, have a great week!
Love Kel

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 25th April 2003

Ok, ok I know I've been extremely slack yet AGAIN, but hey, I've been busy!! Anyways, I'll fill you in on what exactly I've been doing for the past couple of weeks...hmm I can't actually remember what I did the first week...uhhh...ummm...ooher.

Ok, well Saturday the 12th of April, we tottled on down to see Freeeze at the Racecourse Hotel. They were fab as usual...actually it was quite a bizarre night...there was a guy crowd surfing and another guy got chucked out for dancing without his shirt on. Also, keep an eye out for the Freeeze boys (minus Phil) who have an EP out -- their band is called Hydraplayne. You saw it here first! Plus, I will be putting up pics from their Wild Bill's gig as soon as I can work out why cruddy Tripod's FTP isn't working. Kel no happy!

Ok, so Sunday the 13th April we went on down to the Depot in Richmond to see the ullustrious Crazyhaus, who I'd been dying to see for ages and ages. Lead singer Louie looks exactly like Robbie Williams. And I'm not talking a vague resemblance here. I'm talking CLONE. It's crazy indeed. *shrug* He gave me free beer yay! Anyhoo, they absolutely ROCK and are fast becoming one of my very favourite bands. I saw Dan (ex frontman for Metrik) there (his band, Adam 12, play there regularly) but aside from not remembering me at all, he didn't seem to give a shit that I was talking to him. Geez, I just wanted to know how it was all going for him, he didn't need to be such an arrogant prick! So everybody, take it from me -- any band that are playing 6 gigs a week (such as Adam 12) are bound to turn into rude pricks who wont even want to give you the time of day. Needless to say, I was (and still am) extreeeeemely pissed off that Dan has changed so much when he's the guitarist for a COVERBAND...in the famous words of Muddy "If I had written 'Rollin' then by all means I could parade around like a rock god...but I didn't, so I don't" There you go Dan, maybe you should think about that! BAH!

Good Friday was Riss' 21st at the Grand in Essendon (ex-Blown hangout). There, I met miscellaneous band boys including Cam (who I promised to stalk ages ago, but sorta never got around to it) and the boys from InsideZero (ex-Ramjet). Also met various other party folks which was quite cool. Alas, I missed seeing Scott from Metrik by about 5 minutes and Muddy didn't make an appearance (sob sob!!)

Easter Saturday was planned to be a quiet one but it didn't turn out that way! Meggles came and picked me up and we went to Conan's house (uninvited, mind you!) So all the boys were there (Conan, Camo, Ben Murphy, Jezza, Noel) plus Gina (kickass Gina) and we sat around and got drunkish. We then decided to fit all EIGHT of us in Meg's car and tottle on over to Harrison's place (also uninvited!) The mission was to steal Sandford's Woodstocks.

With the mission accomplished (they found them stashed in the washing machine, of all places!) and being told that I had "a nice rack" (by two chickys, mind you!) we all decided to go the The Arms. Yes, the boys wanted to go to the Arms. Don't ask me why!!

Anyways, I sorta lost EVERYONE and looked like a tool dancing by myself coz I lost everyone and I wasn't drunk enough to make new drunk buddies. Meh.

After a while, I found Tanya and Melissa and Liss and Juanita so that was ok...

I got home and checked my phone...there was a message from *drumroll puh-leeeease!* OBSESSIVE ROB. This time, the message read "Its Rob how r ya? Nice 2 c u out tonight u r so hot kellie wanna do sumfin this week? How old r u" Yes Rob, the king of correct grammar and punctuation (lmao!)...I hastily replied "Uhh Rob I'm 19 and I've got a boyfriend. Sorry matey!" No further messages after that, thank GOD!

So Wednesday I went back up to Melbourne to catch InsideZero (the guys I met at Riss' 21st) at Planet Cafe. Alongside them were fucking talented 17 year old singer/songwriter Jessica Paige, Three and The Day After. Saw Andy from Resurge there which was quite out of the blue!! Had a little chat to him and the guys from InsideZero before tottling off to Wild Bill's to catch Crazyhaus.

We got there and it was full house with a massive line...I sighed. Even though we were on th guest list (it pays to have friends in high places) the bouncers still wanted us to line up. Our amusement for the night was some feral old woman dressed in hooker boots and a yellow tartan mini screaming at the bouncers coz they wouldn't let her in. Mind you, she apparently flashed them, expecting them to swoon. They didn't appreciate it much mind you!

So that was the news, sorry that I've been so slack but hey it's the way it goes!

Have a good one everyone, remember you can catch me n Chris on 99.9 Voice FM every Thursday night from 10 til 12. Ring through your requests on 53332102 or email them to voicefmrequests@hotmail.com

Love from the Kinky One

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 10th April 2003

Hi everyone, sorry about the lack of news in the past couple of weeks. The basic run-down is --

- Went to see INFERNO at Wild Bills...put on a most excellent show! Met Robbi (vocals) and BJ (bass) and they are very cool and very nice to talk to. Also met Dannii and one of her friends.

- Big hey's to Felicity, Darren, Mark and all the other guys, you rock!

- Happy Birthday's go out to Shell and Juanita, who both turned the big 1-9 last week.

- Simonne has chopped all her hair off, I didn't recognise her! Plus, she's returning to B-Rat to live with Cassy.

- I went back to the Arms after my 6 week drought to catch Resurge. Lovely boys, big hello to Andy and the drummer guy!

- BLOWN split up...wahh! Good news is that Mark, Luke and Trent will be forming a new band! Bad news is, it wont be with Muddy :'( I'm so god damn sad!

- My parents split up. It's shit, very shit.

Yeah, so thats the basic run-down...sorry it's very boring but I'm really not in the mood to be typing up an update.

Stay safe everyone
Love Kel

NEWS OF THE WEEKEND -- 26th Smarch 2003

Another fab night was had by all concerned on Friday night. Me n Bill-o headed off to Wild Bills, Southland to catch the most fabulous Freeeze. As appointed filmer and photographer, we got to hang out backstage with the guys (as well as miscellaneous others, including the Doc, Kizzy and Andy). The anticipation levels were at an all time high, as this night was to decide whether the guys would score a Friday night residency there.

It went off without any hitches, and I went a little crazy with Billman's digital camera. Many drunk people were coming up to me wanting their pic taken so I worked out the perfect system -- take the pic, show it to them, then erase. The perfect crime...

Bec (Rob, the Freeeze guitarist's gf) kept buying me too many VB's, so I quietly got tipsy contrary to my previous 'no getting drunk in front of Billman' stance. While on a trip to the bar, I had some freako guy dance at me, who kept making eyes at me for the rest of the night. Yes, it was sleaze-a-plenty there (hmm...could be good for a few of you, they weren't bad on the eyes either...!)

The funniest sleaze of the night had to be after Freeeze had finished and the techno shit that I'd usually hate came on. Billman doesn't dance to this kind of music (and, as you all know, NEITHER DO I!) but I was having a ball, dancing with the many sleazes. But anyhoo, the funniest would have to be the guy I was scabbing smokes off (hey, I'd run out, alright?!?) He started Ben-dancing with me (hey, it's ok for Benny to slut dance all over me, but not anyone else!!) and when I just happened to mention that my boyfriend was standing less than three metres away, his response was "That's ok, we can go outside!" I lauged. A lot.

Oh, and I made a lame-ass attempt at becoming podium queen of Wild Bills. Let's not mention that again, shall we??

All went fabulously until my drink was spiked and I kinda crashed and burned. But that's a story I can't be fucked with, coz I'm at Uni and Leonie wants to go for a smoke. So it's buh-bye for now!

I promise I'll come partying with you guys verrrry soon!
Love the Kinkster

NEWS OF THE WEEKEND -- 17th Smarch 2003

Ok, had a fucking awesome weekend! Haven't had a weekend this good for quite some time...

We (me and Billman) started off at his friend Alex's going away party (he's moving to Holland). Met some unreal guys there (including the brother of the Crash Palace guitarist!!) before tottling off to see BLOWN. We were standing out on the road, waiting for a taxi to flag down, when a little Asian P-plater comes along. He winds down his window and says "You looking for taxi? I be your taxi!" So we got in, trying not to laugh too hard at him and he dropped us off at Nando's.

After filling up on food, we stumbled around to the Armadale to see my fave boys, BLOWN. Unfortunately, we'd missed the first set but the guys were having a break so we got to chat to them and reap the benefits of the free beer. Billman introduced me to Riss, who is one of the cool CB chicks that I've been dying to meet for ages. Also got to have a chat to Dan (ex-Metrik drummer "Dan Dan the Clive Peeters man!") who actually remembered me this time hehe.

Then there was 'Stoned Balloon Man', who made me a poodle whilst smoking a joint the size of a cigar. Yes, there are many weird people around!

After much dancing and much "So, are you guys together?", Riss drove us over the Racecourse Hotel to catch Andy and his homies from Freeeze. And what a show they put on!! I'm so damn impressed, those guys certainly pull a huge crowd, and they totally deserve it too. Their version of 'Enter Sandman' is just...whoa.

After the show finished, me and Riss went outside where Phil from Freeeze struck up a convo with us. It was quite weird, he must have noticed us come in coz he knew we weren't there for the first set...bizarre! He then proceeded to kill my poodle. I nearly cried. Oh, and some guy on a bicycle tried to pick me up (while I was holding a balloon poodle, mind you!!) He came over to me, and it went a little like this...
BIKE BOY: So, how YOU doin?
ME: Um...good thanks.
BIKE BOY: You having a good night?
ME: Yeah, I'm having a great time thanks.
BIKE BOY: So where are you from?
ME: Ballarat, actually.
BIKE BOY: Oh, so when are you going back?
ME: Tomorrow.
BIKE BOY: So...do you want to catch up tomorrow?
ME: Um...no.
I then ran back inside. Literally.

So the Hotel closed and the bouncers tried to kick us out, but Andy (lovely Andy) so "No, they're with me" and we hung around and had a chat to everyone before Rob (guitarist for Freeeze) and his g/f Bec dropped us off at the motel.

The next day, we went to the beach then watched Billman's mate Darren play cricket before driving back to 'Rat. Yes, he met my parents. And no, he didn't run away after talking to my dad. They got on quite well, actually (whew!)

So it was a great, great weekend! Everyone has to fill me in on what happened back here in Ballarat, I was goss on the message board!

Love from Kinky Kel

NEWS OF THE WEEKEND -- 14th Smarch 2003

Well, I had a fab weekend. I tottled on down to Melbourne (on the fucking bus, mind you) with my cool Uni buddies Pym and Leonie on Friday night. Chrissy met me at the train station and we went to Legs and Breasts (no, not some kind of porn shop, its a CHICKEN SHOP!) for tea.

We got home and Matt/Billman/freako came over (you deserved that lol) and we chilled out on the couch and picked on miscellaneous people (mainly the newsreader chick with bad hair and no fashion sense).

The next day, me and Chrissy went to the Vic Market, where I got a cool new top, a new phone cover and a way cool tongue ring (its veryyay). The countdown to Muddy was on!

Yeah so that night, Billman came over and picked us up to take us to the Armadale Hotel. We got there stood around, very soborly. It was a while before Muddy came out of his little hidey-hole and I tackled him on the way through. The look on his face was priceless, he had absolutely no idea I was coming down! It was rather amusing. He didn't know what to say, so he gave me a hug & a kiss and ran over to the bar.

It wasn't long before they were on stage and I got a tap on the shoulder. I turned around and it was Leigh!! It was bizarre!! And then we saw John (ex-Quarantine) so he came over and had a chat and a dance with us. It was quite funny, he actually remembered me and Leigh back from the good ol' days at the Arms.

After the show, Muddy had a chat to me and gave me another hug & kiss before I went back over to Christine, who was shakin' her thang on the dancefloor. Mark went to walk straight past me and I thought he didn't remember me (again!) but he did a double take and said hey and all that. 'Twas good.

I woke Billman up to take us home (unknowingly though, I promise!!) and he picked us up after refusing much persuasion from Leigh to come to Crown with him.

So thats about it, sorry that was so boring but I've gotta go to Uni now and I've been doing an essay so I'm a bit over writing today!! Plus, no drunken antics due to our soborness (I know, what's happening to me???)

Hope everyone had a great weekend, happy birthdays go out to Jarrod and Jared (lol, one's my brother, one's not!)

Catch ya next time!
Love the Kinky One

NEWS FROM A DRUNKEN COMPUTER CLASS -- 12th Smarch 2003

Yeah, I'm drunk at Uni. Yay for me. More news tonight, kids! :D

NEWS FROM A BORING COMPUTER CLASS -- 5th Smarch, 2003

Yes, well here I am, sitting in a computer class with nothing better to do than write to you fine folk. I just discovered the BEST website -- boneland.com -- check it out, it's the biggest pisser!!

Also, a big howdy to my new pal Billman ;)

Rightio, well I suppose I should really do a News of the Week but I can't be screwed. Nothing really exciting happened on the weekend apart from us all going to Melbourne to the Big W Charity Ball. This is where Meg found fame on the stage with Brown Sugar (complete with hot hot hot lead singer!) and where I met Denise Drysdale.

Guess what, everyone? I gave up smoking for two days! TWO WHOLE DAYS! But I started again today...my uni friends are EVIL. EVIL SMOKING BITCHES. Meh, what can ya do. Liam is going to kill me. Sigh.

Anyone wanna come to Melb on the weekend? I feel I'm in need of some Muddy...ahhh.

Over and out!
Love the Kinky One

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 25th February 2003

Well, I've survived the first week of the dreaded Uni. Hope everyone's settling into it alright (except for those lucky skanks that start on the 3rd of March. Bah to you.)

Right now, I'm sitting in my study trying to recall what in the hell I did on the weekend...I know I went out on Thursday night...oh yeah, the boring night. Well, it was boring for me, but probably not as boring for people such as Juanita and Ben, who got absolutely shitfaced.

In the grand tradition of Thursday nights, we saw the infamous Fieldo out. Juanita proceeded to yell some shit across Extrem to him, involving me, a head job and him being tall. I didn't understand, I still don't, and I strongly doubt that she does either. I hate to disappoint, but it was a reeeeally boring night. And for some reason, I got really cut that Fieldo was with another chick. Yes, I'm a big loser but hey, what can ya do. And there's no time for moping when there's a drunk Juanita is around. She sat on my knee for a full 10 minutes telling me I was beautiful and Fieldo was feral. That was after she told Dan the bouncer (cherry tomatoes lol!) that I was her girlfriend.

Alright, enough about the boring (boring as hell, really) Thursday night, onto Saturday night...BENNY'S PARTAY!

In the grand tradition of ladies' nights at the Arms, I arrived and downed a couple of free champagnes. Chrissy disappeared pretty early into the piece with Slutty Adam. Hrmph.

I spent most of the time trying to set up one of the hot twins (you know, the hotties -- Steve and Joel, riowwww!) with Tanya's friend Sarah. Joel was totally obsessed with her. It was so, so cute, he waited for her for ages, then was too shy to talk to her, then managed to dance with her for about two seconds before she told him she'd be back in a minute. She never returned. Turns out she was kissing fuzzy guitar man from Resurge. Poor Joel. As if you'd pass up the twins!! They are fucking gorgeous! My aim was to hook up with Joel so I could say I'd hooked up with both twins. Hehehe. Kimmy decided she's also like to hook up with Joel. And she got quite fiesty when she was dancing with Joel and I asked her for a smoke. Seriously, all hell broke loose! She looked at me as if I were insane, then yelled "NO!" and went back to dancing with Joel. Turns out she thought I said something else...though I'm not sure what.

My Saturday night was pretty uneventful...but hopefully I will have Ben's account of Saturday night within my grasp in a couple of days. His night was pretty interesting...I'll let him fill you in ;)

'Til next time!
Kink-a-lot

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 17th February 2003

It's been an interesting week. Firstly, I had to put up with the dreaded Valentine's Day on Friday. I was in the shittest mood all day (and the couple of days following), was giving bitch eyes to the starry-eyed males constantly walking through Target with big bunches of flowers, and contemplated kicking over the flower stand in Central Square. Grrr.

Then, we all had to put up with the dreaded Megan, who was out on Saturday night. Good on ya Kimmy, who told her where she could stick it. Muhahahaha!

THEN, I had my first nerve-wracking day at Uni today. Thankfully, I knew a couple of people in my course (one of them being my very lovely third cousin Liam, who is extremely cool but accidently made me put sugar on my chips...EW EW EW!)

Nothing really exciting happened on Saturday night...we had a few drinks at Waller Ave, then went to the Arms (those Ladies' Nights are getting my vote!!) where we saw the delightful Resurge (mmmhmmm, that Andrew is hot hot hot!) and the un-delightful Megan. Me, Meg and Jesse stood there and gave her bitch eyes. Hehe Jesse is cool. I told Sleazy Adam off once and for all after he came over and tried to kiss me after the chick he'd been kissing lost interest. That boy has problems.

Ok, well unfortunately that is about it, kids! Big huggles to Benny, who encountered some trouble on Thursday night, resulting in a trip to the hospital and the police station. Feel better soon, bud!

Have a good week everyone!
Love Kello

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 11th February 2003

Hey guys. Well, it's been an interesting week. It was actually quite a good week until I found out one of my friends from work has cancer. She has Hodgkin's Disease, and it can't be cured.

Anyhoo, on a lighter note...we had some very very amusing experiences on Thursday and Saturday nights. Let me fill you all in...

Thursday Night, me, Ben, Steve and Juanita tottled off to Sarah Mackintosh's 18th. There was a very hot but very drunk Tom Mackintosh running around in the living room. Everyone left to go out pretty early, so we started driving to The Views. We picked up some guy named Jason (??) on the way. Basically, it went something like this:
Us: Hey mate, you going to The Views?
Jason: Um no, but I can!
So he ended up jumping in with us three in the back seat (I got a lovely view of Ben's crotch) but then proceeded to give me a heart attack by opening the door while the car was moving and saying "Well, I'll just get out here!" I screamed "NOOoooooooooooooo!!!" and yanked him back in the car, much to the amusement of Jason and everyone else in the car. Ho hum.

After losing Steve and Benny, me and Juanita got over the Views and decided to tottle off to...well, somewhere else. So we went to the George and played the pokies. Well, Juanita played the pokies (and won $37 dollars) while I lost and made friends with a transvestite and a very drunk guy who was friends with a copper (hey, he bought me a drink!!) We all got told off for swearing about 50 times, I couldn't stop stroking the screen whenever a rhino came on, and this old man told me off for being too loud. Oh, and silly me didn't realise that you couldn't smoke in the pokies. Oops! After that, we stumbled over to the Dog, where we danced with Mog, and sat around with some guys that Juanita knew but I did not.

Next stop was the food place next to the Dog. This is where we invented the "Lifestyles of the Chips & Gravy" song (much to the amusement of the shop owners) and where me and Juanita asked for a potato cake and a toilet. We eventually made it over to Big Papa's after watching a guy peeing in the alley and having a very interesting conversation with Alan. We were just about the only ones there, but Juanita found a Widget doll and got very excited. Oh, and the DJ was hot stuff. Riowwww!

After that, we made a brief expedition to Extrem, where I found Ben Fielding. He gave me a tall hug. He must have followed us back over to the Dog, coz he was there when we got there. Mistaking a friendly kiss for something more, I ended up pushing him off me and laughing at a certain LUKE. Me and Juanita decided it was revenge time and we went and danced right next to him (he was dancing with some chick and we didn't like that much). So, after making him quite uncomfortable we decided to grab someone's abandoned drink and tip it down his back. Teehee! I wanted Juanita to tip it over his head, but she wasn't keen. Instead, she grabbed another drink and did it again!! LOL! By this stage, we'd lost Ben. Meh. After laughing hysterically for quite some time, it was closing time and we decided it was home time. We found Ben in the gutter and got a taxi. The last person I saw was Ben Fielding going home with some other chick. Bloody sex-crazed boys.

Ben was considerably drunk at this point. He kept mumbling shit about horses and bongs. Shrug!!

Saturday Night: It was Mog's Farewell Party. Before we left, Steve was lovely enough to give me his New Kids on the Block video (score!!!) We grabbed a few drinks and proceeded to get tipsy on the way to Craig's Hotel. At the party, the Hot Twins (aka Steve and Joel, I kissed Steve in year 12, yay for meeee!!!) were there, and we met these blokes from Mog's course who were lovely (ummm I can't remember their names...too much Malibu and Pinapple!!)

I remember trying to chat up the barman (who was about 35 and fairly ew) and doing the Ketchup dance.

It was Ladies' Night at the Arms and I was determined not to miss it. I got two free glasses of champers, alright?!?! Out, we saw Kirsty and Sarah, as well as my mate Tanya (who introduced me to hot Resurge keyboardist Andrew) as well as heaps of the homies from the party. Oh, and who can forget sleazy Adam. He never gives up.

In their last set, Andrew invited me up on stage where I proceeded to make a bigger dick outta myself doing the twist. Oh well, I got free drinkcards and a shitload of shampoo! Wooooo!

Me and Melissa were pretty knackered, so we left at about 3:30am. When I got home, I was eating chocolate biccies when I got some messages from a certain boy who wanted me to meet him out. Sadly, I was in my PJ's. Sob!! Damn my tired eyes. Bitch-a!

Ok, well that was the weekend in a nutshell...hopefully soon I'll be able to get some Resurge pics from Tanya and we can all have a big perve on Andrew the keyboard man!!

Also, a big goodbye to Steve, who has moved down to Geelong to live with Mel Brewer and Ben Schreenan. And who can forget Renee, who has left the ullustrious Target to go work at the hospital. Wahhh! No more smoko breaks and going to the pub while we're at work! Bye Nay's!

Have a good week everyone, damn you people who get Valentine's pressies!!
Love from an un-loved Kinko

NEWS OF THE MID-WEEK -- 6th February 2003

Ok, well I thought that I should fill everyone in on what happened yesterday. Me, Dean and Kate tottled off down to Geelong, to pump our stomachs full of Smorgie's. Me and Kate decided we would see who could eat the most. I think Kate won (she came back carrying two plates of dessert at the same time) but both me and her had to sit on the pier for quite some time before we felt ready to move to the car without puking. Good times, good times.

We then decided that we would go and visit the beach at Ocean Grove. After observing Kate smoking in the ocean and finding a kid that looks like the Man Show Boy, we decided that we would make a quick trip to Collendina. Now, for those that aren't in the know, Collendina is where I met Nathan, the dude who stood me up about three weeks ago. So we thought we'd pay him a little visit (muhahaha!)

We got to the Bottle Shop where he works (after much difficulty -- I couldn't remember how to get there; I only knew that it was 'over there'. Basically, I just kept telling Dean to 'keep turning right') but about 10 metres from the window, I suddenly got verrrry scared and decided that I didn't want to see him anymore. Dean wouldn't have that, so he pulls up to the window and out pops Nathan. Luckily for me, he's actually pretty cute (I was pretty drunk last time I saw him, and you all know how I have the worst Beer Goggles in the world). Anyhoo, so he comes out and I wave to him through the window. At the moment, his expression is a mixture of surprise, guilt and "Holy Shit!". So I then ask him for a six pack of Jimmy's and he goes to the fridge and grabs them. I hand him $20 and he disappears into the shop. At this stage, I'm trying to control my laughter, along with Dean and Kate. After a minute, he returns, hands me back the $20 and tells me to keep the money and drive off. I try reasoning with him, but he's obviously feeling bad for standing me up and hey, it's twenty bucks! So we drive off into the sunset, pissing ourselves laughing for the good part of 15 minutes. Ta-da! Kel strikes again!

NEWS OF THE WEEKEND -- 3rd February 2003

Hey guys! Fuck, I've had a tumultuous day at work! First, I had to chase a chick down the escalator (with my pants falling down and all these 15 year old homie boys looking at me) coz she stole a $350 vaccuum cleaner, then all my registers went offline! Yay for Kel! Oh and then I had to have lunch with Dean, who did his usual insulting and talking about Kate. Kate, Kate, Kate. Blah, blah, blah. :P

Ok, enough shit...onto the Waller Ave Housewarming Party!

Alright, all those that were running bets on how drunk I'd get -- I owe a lot of people a lot of money. Bleh. I know I told everyone I wasn't gonna get drunk, but Jimmy cans were on sale and I'm a pushover. Plus, Ben was feeding me energy tablets and Steve (I think...I was a little drunk already!!!!) was giving me Ibuprofen.

Miscellaneous Weird and Funny Shit of the Night:

- Me and Juanita were having a singing competition outside to the tune of 'Colours of the Wind' from Pochahontasand Jeff Buckley

- 'Too much dough, not enough dog!'

- Steve was dancing around in an oversized foam VB can

- Steve, Jarrod and Rob tottled off to the Bottle Shop in costume (Jarrod was the Phantom of the Opera)

- My drunken techno dancing (that is not as funny as Shell's)

- Juanita trying to look at porn on the internet

- Me yelling out random shit to people outside the Arms (what else is new)

- Me mumbling some shit to the lead singer of Resurge, which caused him to give me free beer

- Me giving 'the eyes' to 'Keyboard Guy' (Andrew??)

_ Adam asking me to ask this chick if she'd hook up with him (yeah, we're in grade two here!) and she turned out to be the drummer's girlfriend (but she was really nice though!)

- Me pointing out cute guys to Juanita while I was kissing Adam, then proceeding to almost burst into tears when my favourite one left

- Eloise: That guy likes you! (points to a feral little 30 year old bald man)
Feral Little 30 Year Old Bald Man: Hey, you're hot!
I then proceeded to tell him I was engaged, and flashed him the diamond ring my parents gave me for my 18th birthday -- Adam then proceeded to volunteer to be my fiance

- Justin Vincent

- Me and Juanita's 'show' on the podium

- Me dancing on the speaker (so I was about 10 feet in the air)

- "Thank God the boring people have gone! Oh wait, they're still here!"

- Adam presuming he was coming home with us, convinced that me and Juanita were gonna 'get it onnnnn'

- Me and Juanita contemplating roof rocking Luke's house

- Me and Juanita having to break into the house coz no-one would let us in!

- Me and Juanita couldn't find any bedding so she slept with a pillow and a baby blanket, while I slept on a couch chair with a sheet (luckily Steve woke up and put a blanket over me coz I was fricken freezing!!)

Alright, well that was about it...we woke up with big, big hangovers, panda eyes and ate lotsa fish n chips and watched some show about something. THE END.

NEWS OF THE BIG DAY OUT -- 29th January 2003

Yes, it's been and gone for another year...but it didn't do so without kicking some major ass. Surviving on five hours sleep due to drinks at Waller Ave the previous night, me and Shell stumbled to a train and got to Melbourne. We stopped in at Parliament Station and found the dumbest Customer Information dude ever to hit the planet. Plus, he could hardly speak English. Basically, the conversation went something like this:
Us: How do we get to the Showgrounds?
Him: The what?
Us: The Melbourne Showgrounds.
Him: Huh?
Us: We want to go to the Melbourne Showgrounds. How do we get there by train?
Him: Where is Showgrounds?
Us: Well, that's what we're asking you!
Him: Oh. What is it near?
Us: Um...Essendon??
Him: Ok, I will find out how to get to Essendon.
Us: NO! WE WANT TO GO TO THE SHOWGROUNDS!!
Him: Ok, I will call someone.
Goes to the phone. We roll eyes.
Him: Just go to Spencer Street. There will be train from there.
Us: Right. Thanks. (Roll eyes)

So anyways, when we get to Spencer St, there's like a million teenagers waiting for the train. When the train finally arrives, it's full already but more people squish on. It looks like one of those Japanese trains. We miss that one, but we're in front of the line for the next one. Turns out that the dumb information guy should have told us to go to Flinders St. Anyhoo, we just scrape on to the next train. My arms are wedged up at my chest, Shell has some guys hand stuck in her back and is just about eating some guys hair.

To cut a long story short, we make it to the Showgrounds. And boy, was it an experience!

Ok, enough of this shit -- LET'S GET TO THE BANDS!

The ones we checked out were --
WAKIKI -- Great live.
FRENZAL RHOMB -- Yeah they were alright. I liked their "At Least We Know That Russell Crowe's Band's A Piece of Shit".
28 DAYS -- As usual, these guys kicked ass.
PACIFIER -- Never ones to disappoint, 'Fier rocked our asses off!
JEBEDIAH -- Arghhhhhhhh! Fuckin unreal!
MACHINE GUN FELLATIO -- Definitely one of the best acts of the day. Who can beat half naked chicks, Toast Girl and a guy wearing fishnets & high heels??
THE LIVING END -- Complete with a new drummer, they continued to rock.
QUEENS OF THE STONEAGE -- Um...they were a crowd favourite but not my cup of tea.
PJ HARVEY -- Sorry, but this chick is booooring.
JANE'S ADDICTION -- Yeah they weren't bad but I was quite disappointed they didn't play 'Caught Stealing'. Plus, I think people were more interested in watching the big fight going on on one side of the oval. Also, everyone was impatient for the Foo Fighterrrrs!
FOO FIGHTERS!!! -- AARGGHHHHHHHHH! These guys were awesome!! I'd been hanging out all day for them, and when they finally came out to the first chords of 'One by One', me and the other 40,000 people around me just went psycho!

I was disappointed that I didn't get to see JIMMY EAT WORLD, 1200 TECHNIQUES or THE VINES (who apparently sucked), as well as NUDE KARAOKE and the TOKYO BROTHEL. Damn.

Also, Camo decided to scare the shit outta me by running up and jumping on me. Thanks, Camo. I also saw Ben Murphy, Olivia, Harrison, Ruhoff (LOL!) and Sarah whats-her-face (I actually accidently hit her, apologised and was like "Holy fuck! Hello!")

Then there was the chick that wanted a lick of Shell's icypole (the grossed out look on Shell's face was priceless!) who got very shitty when Shell refused. LOL! Then there was the Avril Lavigne wannabe, complete with long too-straight hair and a tie. Ooooh, we were impressed.

When we made it back to the grandstand where the Blue and Orange stages were, we met this American guy who tried to sell us his t-shirt for $35. He's trying to break into the t-shirt market. This particular shirt had a kangaroo with oversized balls, with the slogan "Play like you have a pair". It was crap. Then there was the one with Chopper Reed on it, saying "Uncle Chop Chop's Tobacco Company -- if it doesn't kill you, then he will!" We didn't have the heart to tell him..."BUDDY THEY ARE SHITHOUSE!" He then grabbed his pipe and offered Shell some pot and got shitty when Shell refused. He then proceeded to pass out next to me. So if you ever meet an American guy named Shaun Miller, you heard it first here -- he's a wanker.

So that was the Big Day Out ... I'M SOOOOOO GOING AGAIN NEXT YEAR!!!

See you all on Saturday night!
Love from a sunburnt Kinko

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 24th January 2003

A Tale of A Holiday Fling...well, almost...

Yes, I had a holiday fling. Well, sorta. Well actually, not really. Meh. Yes, in the great tradition of 'Let's Fuck Kel Around!', I got well, fucked around.

Let me begin...

It was Sunday Night. As soon as I arrived in Ocean Grove, I ran over to Collendina, where Kelli was waiting for me at the Caravan Park. After a quick drink, we tottled on over to the Collendina Pub, where Kelli's friends were (what a surprise, they're there every bloody day!). Most of the guys were huddled around an electronic golf game (you could win a slab of VB if you got a hole in one...I think they would have been better off to just buy the slab!), all bar the three (Rory, Hot Dave and 'the other bloke') who were playing 'Dealer's Choice' (they take turns buying each other rounds. Basically, the dealer picks the most feral concoction that they can think of ie. wine with curucao in it, etc...and they all have to drink them. EW.) Rory (already smashed) decided it would be funny to scull every single drink that was put in front of him. Anyhoo, after about an hour of sitting there trying to dodge Rory's sleaziness (he was draped on me while his girlfriend Kate was sitting across the table), we were relieved when he finally left us alone.

By this stage, the other guys had gotten over the Golf Game and we were all sitting there having a chat when we hear a massive 'CRASH!' from the male toilets. Thinking that Rory had fallen over and killed himself, we all rushed in there. Turns out that Rory had thought it would be a great idea to pull the mirror off the wall and smash it into a toilet, along with the top of another loo. We just pissed ourselves laughing as one of the golf guys took him home.

By this stage, Rory's gf Kate had had quite enough or his shenanigans, so she decided to get smashed with the rest of us. So we (me, Kate, Kelli, Katie, Dave, **Nathan** [remember that name for future reference], 'the other guy' and Bob) sat around our little table and had a good ol' chat until the pub closed. Nathan works in the bottle shop, so he scored me some free drinks and we were on our way over to Kelli's mates cabin.

I walked into the cabin, managed to make a dick of myself within 10 seconds, so decided to stay outside and have a smoke with Nathan. We were chatting about stuff for a while when all the other's decided to go over to 'the other guy's' house. There was no room for me and Nathan in the back of Bob's 'Porno Van' (or the 'Shaggin Wagon' as I affectionately like to call it -- it had no windows and a mattress in the back!!) so we sat at the pub, waiting for Bob to return.

There was a bit of chemistry happening, so by the time we got to 'that other guys' place, we got caught by Bob in the back of the van (teehee). So yeah, by the time it was time to go home, I was absolutely smashed (Nathan was pumping me full of his free drinks) but luckily, Bob was sobor and able to drive me home.

Now, Nathan got out at my place to say goodnight but the blokes in the van thought he was staying with me and drove off!! This left me in a bit of a predicament, as I was staying with the fam'...hmmm! Anyhoo, after much debate over whether to go to Nathan's or to sleep in the gutter, I decided to call him a cab. One word of advice: NEVER call a cab in Ocean Grove if you're in a hurry!! This one took like 40 mins!

Anyways, Nathan was being a big sweetie ("You're so beautiful", "Your skin is so nice" "You're stunning" and "Your eyes are so beautiful") and we arranged to go out for tea on the Tuesday night. Yay for Kel!

Cut to Tuesday night:
I waited for him to pick me up. And waited. And waited. And waited, til I could wait no more. To that I say --

GOD DAMN FUCKIN MALES THAT TREAT ME LIKE SHIT! I HATE YOU ALL!!!

Plus, I didn't get into Latrobe. I'm stuck in fuckin Ballarat for three more years. My life is overrrrrrrrrrrrr....wahhhhhhhhhh!!!

Then, to top it off, I got fucking sunburnt! God damn the sun!

Ok, so that was my fuckin shithouse week, hope you all had fun...
Love from a lobster-ish Kinko

NEWS OF HALF OF THE WEEKEND -- 18th January 2003

Alright, well I've finally entered the group that I affectionately like to refer to as The Spew Club.

Now, I've always been quite envious of these people that spew when they drink, because it's a phenomenon (fuck, did I just spell that?! I'm still pissed from last night!!) that I've never experienced; a sorority that I've never had the chance to be a part of. Well, that was until Last Night.

It all started when a few of us (namely me, Eloise, Amy, Emma, Rachael and Liesh) rocked up to Maree's Place. Anyways, all was going smoothly (we were reminiscing [another big word!!] until Amy decided that I should help her finish her cask of wine. And I learnt that sometimes, my body doesn't like it when bourbon gets mixed with wine. After realising that I was a little under the weather (I was on the verge of passing out on a chair), I somehow made it to the bushes. And thats the story of my initiation into the Spew Club. Anyhoo, I was alright after that and we tottled off to Extrem.

Not much exciting stuff happened (apart from some midget bloke who kept saying "You're hot" and "Can I dance with you?", another guy who worshipped me after I let him use my lighter...he told me I was "unbelieveable"...then there was some other guy named Bryce who told Eloise to tell me I was "beautiful"...I suppose I should have been flattered, but to tell you the truth, I was a little freaked out...) until we decided to push Amy in a Big W shopping trolley to Baker's Delight, where we found Justin Skewes. The bread had just come out of the oven and it was nummy!

We then went over to Coles, where we found Flynny...otherwise known as...yep, you guessed it...THE YODELLING TAXI DRIVER. We gave him bread. Eloise was refusing to go with any other taxi driver, so we devised a plan that included us walking to the Safeway petrol station, where he met us. And he didn't charge us a cab fare. What a fuckin legend! And off he went, yodelling into the distance.

We got home and used the remainder of the bread to make chip sandwiches. Yes, Amy was cooking chips at 6am. Anyways, me and El got settled on the couch watching the God Channel (I always watch it when I get home from going out, it's quite entertaining!) and we got the brainy idea of ringing them up. So El gets on the phone, the God chick picks up and the convo went a little like this...
EL: Hi, can I request a song?
God: Um, no.
El: So do we vote or what?
God: I'm sorry, but this isn't to request songs.
El: So what do you do?
God: We offer prayer.
El: Oh, alrighty! Can I have a prayer?
God: Is this a prank call?
El: Nah mate! I just wanna pray for my friend...Kellie. She's having problems...yeah um...family problems.
[And here's me, trying not to piss myself laughing]
God: [pray, pray, pray] Amen.
El: AMEN!!
God: Goodbye.

So anyways, Amy comes back from cooking the chips and decides she'll take on the God channel. Her convo was quite different...
Amy: Hi, I need a prayer.
God: Is this a prank call?
Amy: What? What would make you say that?
God: Look, we don't appreciate it.
Amy: What?? Oh, whatever. [SLAM]

So that was our entertainment for the evening! Hope you all have a splendid week, I will be living it up in Ocean Grove, so don't expect an update until next week!

With lurrrve from the Kinky One.

NEWS OF THE WEEK -- 12th January 2003

Hey guys! Well, I made 'Kel History' last night. I went out (and stayed) sobor! Woohoo for me! And surprisingly, it was really good!

My soborness was due to recent sickness involving a recent drink spikeage on Thursday night at Club Q.

I'll start from Thursday night...

I went over to Waller Ave (the new Bradshaw St) after work and had a couple of drinks with Ben, Belle, Jarrod, Cassy and Shell before going over to Club Q for a spot of pool. At this stage, I was fine. I wasn't drunk, not even really tipsy. I went over to the bar and taught the barman how to make a Dog Starver. After I came back to the table, I drank most of my drink but then got up for a dance and some pool. I got back to the table, drank the rest of my drink and partied on down some more.

All was well until about half an hour later. I got a cold flush over me and the last thing I remember is thinking "Shit, I'd better go to the toilets!" I woke up on the floor a few minutes later, very confused (I thought I'd been dancing with someone) and very sore (I'd cut my leg falling off the bar stool).

Cassy got me to the toilets (after much effort) and I sat on the sink to have a rest. Next thing I know, I'm waking up very confused (I thought I was at home and someone was playing music reeeeally loud) and very sore again (this time I'd fallen on my head onto the tiled floor). I kept passing out for about half an hour while Cassy looked after me. I remember trying to speak to her but couldn't...I mean, I was saying the words in my head but I couldn't speak them.

After sitting on the bathroom floor for about half an hour and cleaning myself up (I was dripping in sweat, it was gross) I felt alright and we went to the Dog.

There, I saw El, Amy, Emma and Maree on the stage, so I boogied on down with them (and the ten or so horny boys that kept cracking onto us) until I re-found Ben and went to dance with him, Cassy, Alex and Shell. Oh, and I found Gav (hehehe) and Nicole (cool chick that lives up the road who is mates with my cousin).

After a quick stop at Extrem (I was disappointed that there were no Fieldo sightings), we decided to call it a night.

The next day...I felt like shit. I got to work and every single person I saw said "Are you alright?" or "What happened to you?"

Anyways, I felt like shit for a couple of days. I got home from work on Saturday and was seriously debating catching the train to Melbourne but the last train left in like 20 minutes and I couldn't be screwed. I was asleep on the couch at 6:30pm anyways, so I don't know how I thought I was going to stay awake...but anyways, I got convinced by a couple of workmates to come out at the last minute (it was 10:30pm!) I went on over to Carl Kierce's (hehe) to go out with his daughters, Steph and Lana.

After an eyeshadow crisis on Lana's part and after waiting for Steph to finish giving her boyfriend Damien a massage, we were set to go.

We started off at The George, but it was shit so we tottled off to across the road. The Dog was pretty crap until about 1am, which I put down to (a) not many people there; and (b) Sonic were playing...they're basically just a two-man-band with a guitar, tambourine and lots of pre-recorded backing tapes. Dodg-ayyyyyyy. Plus, I was getting freaked out by this guy that kept staring at me and asking me what good clubs there were. We left.

We dropped Steph home (she has glandular) and came back out to party some more. We wound up at the Arms (well duh) and got set to check out the new band -- JUICE CREW.

The run-down : Four older guys, not much eye candy but pretty good on their instruments. Lots of crowd participation (the frontman tried to get me to sing) and a good atmosphere. Plus, the drummer has a sticker that says "I have a fat tool".

We alternated between the front room the the Shed (I kinda love it out there now...scary!) and ended up mooching on home at about 4am.

Yeah, so that was the weekend that was...and I learnt that I can have a good time without being pissed. But hey, doesn't mean I'm giving it up!!

Bye guys, have a good one!
Love from the Kinkster

NEWS OF THE MID-WEEK -- 9th January 2003

Well, as you may have guessed, the site has had a complete overhaul! I've added tons more pics to the photo gallery, plus I've done the band pages as well.

I've also added a quiz thingy, so if you want your quiz/profile added up here on the main page, just copy the questions and email them to me here.

Also, a big congrats to Dean, who got his P's yesterday too! Well done sweetie!

That's all for now, have a good week everyone!

Love Kinko

NEWS OF THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS -- 5th January 2003

Yeah, yeah I know I've been a slack-ass, but hey what can ya do. The past couple of weeks have been...interesting. Here's a brief low-down --

1. Renee's 21st/Target Party, Saturday 21st December.
Upon arriving at Bradshaw Street, I found the front door to be unlocked and the familiar sound of water running. Ben was in the shower. Not to be deterred, I plopped down into the arm chair, cracked open a Woody (yes, the drink) and set about getting pissed by myself. And yes, Ben nearly had to retreat to the shower when he saw me. It was quite amusing.
We tottled off to Renee's (I was already tanked), where I danced with a 4 year old. We then somehow managed to get to Benny T's house, where I managed to make a complete dick out of myself (what's new). The sad thing is, I don't remember a thing. All I know is that I took a hell of a lot of photos of Metrik at the Arms.
I had to work at 10am the next morning...considering the fact I'd only stopped drinking 4 hours earlier, I was still drunk. I hit my boss. Yes, I slapped the woman that employed me. I'm still cringing.

2. Christmas Eve, Tuesday 24th December.
This was an amazingly hilarious occasion. We passed on the geeky carols and decided to drive around, harrassing innocent (and horny, loser-ish) guys. It all started with an SMS from my phone...
"I want you now. Meet me at the Black Hill Lookout in 20 mins."
One SMS turned into 5. 5 turned into 15. Before we knew it, Ben was having text-sex with some bloke, I was getting abused by a not-so-horny fella, and one wanker had actually turned up at the lookout without even asking who it was. Yes, this guy was desperate. We made some lame-o excuse that we were looking at Christmas lights and got the hell outta there. This was when we...went to the cult.
Now, over the past few weeks as a result of a Big W prank, the Cult has become quite popular amongst a group of my friends. So we decided to go check it out for ourselves. We were almost there when the freakiness freaked us a little too much and we hightailed it outta there. I had to laugh when my phone did its little sms 'beep beep' thing...
"So...who is this, anyway?"

3. Random Drinking Session, 28th December.
I was moping around the house, feeling like a total loser over my decision to stay home on a Saturday night when Benno called me, asking to come out drinking. I jumped at the chance, and was in the car and rearing to go within 20 minutes.
After sitting around for a few hours, bitching about a certain boy that works at Target, me, Juanita and Benno went over to Extrem. I set about getting pissed on those Fruit Tingle slushies. Juanita knew the chick behind the bar, so we were getting them made to order, for $2.50. Hellllll yeah!
On the way home, we were treated to a whimsical Taxi Driver who seemed very interested in Juanita's Cleavage. He then tried to give me a yodelling lesson. Don't get me wrong, he was a great yodeller, but who honestly would just start yodelling in a taxi?!? I got his number, it's saved in my phone under 'Yodelling Taxi'.

4. New Years Eve at Bradshaw St, 31st December.
Ok, so everyone knows its the biggest party of the year, blah blah blah. But this year, new standards for NYE were set. And they were set by the clan at Bradshaw Street. The theme - Sleazy. The house was adorned with red lights, pictures of women who really need to do something about that 'forest' down below, Twister, ice in the bath, and butchers paper on the walls to draw on. The rooms were themed -- the toilet was the George Michael room, Ben's was the Makeout Room, Belinda's was The Midget Brothel and Meg's was the Petting Zoo. There also seemed to be a fascination with Angela Landsbury. Interesting...
So much happened that I can't fit it all in...and those who were there will remember anything worth remembering (well, except maybe that Matt guy, who spent most of the night spewing and/or passed out on the back porch). I have but one thing to say about the party: This is the shushy part!!

5. New Years Eve at 21Arms, 1st January.
By this time, the clock had ticked over and it was the start of another year. Rockin' the casbar were Lime, a quite fabulous band from Melbourne. I had a chat to the guitarist after the show, who said that hopefully they will be booked to play again! Yay! No more Resurge!! (One can only hope. And hope. And hope some more). Oh, and I almost got beaten up by two old tattooed parents (who were there with their geeky son). That was a craaaaazy lady!!

6. The Best Night Of Kel's Life, aka The Grand Hotel Essendon, 3rd January.
Yes, the time had finally come. Me, Sandford and Chrissy rocked up to the Grand, quivering in anticipation (well, I was anyway). I scouted the room, but Muddy was nowhere to be seen. Some guy was doing a soundcheck. This was when it occured to me that maybe Muddy was sick or something...maybe this guy was filling in for my fave frontman, and maybe I wouldn't see him at all!! Mark was up on the stage with the other guys, but the lusty one wasn't here. It seemed like hours before...
HE ARRIVED.
I slapped Chrissy and breathed "He's here!" It was one of those slow motion walk things. He had a bag slung over one shoulder, a water pistol in his hand. He was walking past, I couldn't let him get away now! He glanced casually over his shoulder in our direction. I smiled. Actually, it was more of a 'Oh my GOD, this is so good that I could die right now" grin that was plastered across my face. I waved. He did a double take and I knew that he had seen me. He actually seemed genuinely happy, and sauntered on over, spraying me with bourbon from his water pistol. After a wonderful hug and kiss on the cheek, we had a little chat and he promised me beer. Ahh, my type o' guy. After Muddy left to go and set up, I was approached by Mark, who seemed to think I hated him coz he didn't recognise me. He was very apologetic. Actually, I found out quite alot of goss...actually, toooo much information about a certain lusty frontman (that isn't Muddy) with whom he used to share a house...
Anyways, it wasn't long before my fave band started to strut their stuff...Muddy was dancing provocatively on the bar, Muddy fell flat on his face (literally), Muddy started handing out Shapes to everyone and threw one at the wall...it stuck there, and it was halfway through the second set that he realised it was still stuck there (teehee!!!), and Muddy kept squirting his water (bourbon?) pistol into the mouths of drunken dancers. Poor Muddy has a bit of a money problem this week...I mean, his guitar blew up and he got so pissed New Years Eve that they didn't get paid for the gig (snigger snigger). There was some bloke in the audience that had a strange obsession with John Farnham...so Muddy composed his own Johnny tribute with a bit of Limp Bizkit influence. It went a little something like "SADIE! THE MOTHERFUCKIN CLEANING LADY!"
It was all over too soon (the Grand has two bands that play on one night), so I bid farewell to Muddy with more kisses and hugs before tottling off to Crown, where I experienced the best beef black bean noodle stuff in the world, and the rudest Chinese woman known to man. Argh, she scary biatch.

7. The Other Great Day of Kel's Life, aka 4th January.
"My slot is rusty!"
After our big night out, we made our way lazily down to the fabulous mall down the road from Chrissy's place. I had to buy more clothes to wear that night, as I had come dangerously unprepared. Chrissy succombed to my incessant peer pressure and got her eyebrow pierced by a sexy (but gay) guy. Mmmhmm.
We collapsed on the couch back home and watched the infinitely boring 'Planet of the Apes' (or grapes, whichever you prefer).
Before we knew it, it was that time again -- MUDDY TIME. We broom-broomed down to the Armadale Hotel. This is where we found Dumb Door Bitch. I asked her, "Where are BLOWN playing?" "Who?" "You know, BLOWN?" "I've never heard of them. You sure you're at the right place?" "Is this the Armadale Hotel?" "Yes" "Well where are they then?" "I dunno, I spose they might be in there" At this point, Christine points to a BLOWN poster on the wall, smirks at the chick on the door and leads the way to Muddy and his gang.
After sussing out the less-than-lively scene, we snag a table towards the back of the room with a great view of Muddy. This is when I notice...her. It's Naomi (aka girl I used to play netball with...you could say we didn't get along too well). And guess who she's kissing. Sob. Anyways, I get over it pretty quickly and it's a little way through their first song that Muddy notices me and waves.
After their first set, Muddy comes up and has a chat. He disappears and returns with a jug of VB, all for us. We had a good ol' chat over drinks before it was time for them to return to the stage. This was when we met "Helennnnnnn!" (think Timmy from South Park). "Helennnn!!" was what seemed to be a liturgical dancer. Very scary. We couldn't stop laughing at her, and neither could Luke (aka hot sexy bass guy). She was a girl with a serious problem. Mark kept doing the Grease Lightening dance behind Luke. 'Twas tres amusing.
Before too long, the BLOWN gig is over and it's back to the DJ with the bizarre taste in music. I have another chat to Muddy (who is freaked out coz there were two guys playing one of those arcade shooter games...only problem was, the machine wasn't turned on...) and Marky Mark before having another quick dance. Before long, it's time to go so I bid Muddy adieu with more hugz n kisses before running into Luke, who is hiding in a side room, playing some old 80's space game. I almost made him lose. Sorry, bud!
So, it was off to bed for Kel, Chrissy and Sandford...it was the end of another day...and the end of a fucking awesome weekend.

Over and Out!
Kello

You can check out the News Archives here!